A Story to Tell....

 

“A story once begun cannot surrender. It must unfold itself like a baby bird breaking free from its shell. It reveals its mystery, piece by tiny piece.

But when the last piece falls...oh shall it fly!” -Amanda Harman

Its so much harder than you think....

So I wrote not that long ago about change. And yes I'm still excited for it. But its a little harder than I thought to actually get through. There is part of you that wants everything to change at once just for the sake of needing a change of scenery. Then there is part of you that grieves the changes that hurt a little more...the ones that transition what you're used to, what you've relied on, into this strange, alien form and that is such an awkward and uncomfortable change.

It can be both liberating and terrifying to start from scratch. Then there are the changes that you are dying to make but you know you have to wait for a bit to make them and its total agony. Its like watching the grass grow. You are so over the present scenario but there just aren't all the pieces in place to make the big leap.So in the end, I feel a bit displaced and, well, weird. Its a bit lonely out in the middle of this ocean, sailing the boat alone and having no idea where you're headed or how long it s gonna take to get you there.

So yeah. But I'm hoping to set up my classes this week.Oh yeah, I forgot that part. I'm enrolling in some online classes in creative writing and possibly publishing. Things are shaping up for me little pieces at a time. Its just hard being patient and letting them happen, while having to let go of some big chunks of my life and saying goodbye to comfort zones. Its heart breaking but necessary. I'm just trying to die with dignity.

Free Flow

(Circa July 2, 2004....I dedicate this one to a friend who is no longer with us...he was the greatest unknown poet in the world... )

In poetry's simplicity, i dictate jumbled thoughts on you and me....flowing from thought to page in poetic symphony...hurriedly, not to lose their identity...and still we wonder as we wander.....on and on and on we ponder...who we are in life and love and what we mean to Thee above....and why we lie in ignorant slumber....dreaming and waiting for someone to call our number....and tell us why, as days roll by, who we are now and why we try....so hard not to care but still very aware of You......and we have a choice...to stay or to move.....but concrete feet and a hardened heart pulls us slowly and carefully apart...not to live but to die...not to soar....not to fly....but to lie and say we're not six feet underground.....and the defeatist abounds.....and instead of fighting....trying...living...we are dying...but I will be the exception.....no longer bathing in deception......I'm free......He sets me free

25 Random Facts About Yours Truely,

1. My alter-ego is Gramma Bubbie....she's like buttah....like a big stick a buttah.
2. My favorite color is orange....and not road cone orange...like fall orange....i love fall colors.
3. I sometimes turn on the QVC channel...not because I want to buy a set of knives on flex-pay....but because some of those ladies have the most soothing voices...it relaxes me.
4. At least once a week I have a private dance party in my room with my headphones on.
5. My favorite songs to dance to are Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake and Vivrant Thing by Q-Tip
6. New York City saved my life
7. I had a perm in second grade that looked like a fro... I accidentally washed it too soon.
8. A man at Lindy's Stardust Diner sat on my lap and sang to me
9. I was proposed to over the phone by a guy calling from a payphone next to his Camero when I was a freshman...it didn't work out....he was quite a bit older
10. I get total grossed out at the idea of sharing an ice cream cone, especially with a child
11. I want my own tree house
12. My favorite food in the world is Trader Joe's organic unsalted tortilla chips and their salsa verde with avocados.... I bought six bags of the chips last time I was there....just in case.
13. My first rated R movie was Total Recall with Arnold Schwarzenegger
14. I played with dolls till I was 14
15. I have a mole on my right big toe that I have had since I was a baby
16. I have watched the movie A Mirror Has Two Faces at least 30 times
17. My favorite song is Close Your Eyes by Jump Little Children
18. I want to live in Ireland one day and write novels
19. My mom wanted to name me Emily
20. My favorite book so far has been Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers...I cried
21. My dream car is a baby blue '57 Chevy Bel Air....but I am a pick-up truck kinda girl
22. I prefer acoustic guitar music to almost all others
23. I made a violin when I was a kid out of a music box, a ruler and some rubber bands....my bow was a stick I found in the yard.
24. I was almost placed on citizens arrest by Santa Claus
25. I once got so bored manning the phones at the Cause, I made an entire office set out of cardboard I found in the trash...including a lap top I named Return of the Mac....it had an apple with a bite out of it on the top...it was awesome.

I'll Call You Mine.....

(I wrote this May,6 2004...its a little embarrassing... and a lot personal..not sure i like it anymore but what the hey...part of the journey, right?Well....here ya go)

I don’t know if you know this yet but I love you.
I love you with my whole heart and with everything that I am.
I see you in my sleep, in my dreams. Not your face, just your spirit, your warmth. I feel the kindness of your smile. I feel your arms around me. You think I am lovely and I adore you.

I can see our future, our past, and the love that grows in between.
I see our children playing in emerald green grass. I hear the sound of them laughing. Oh it’s so beautiful I could weep.
I wish you could see it too. Maybe you can.
I wonder sometimes if you dream of me, of our lives together.
Though it is yet to be, we know that it’s real and it’s good and it’s right.

I know you feel it. What an amazing gift from God you are.
What greater gift could I ask for? You are perfection.
Just for the right to hold your hand, I would give anything.
I know that you’ll be beautiful. Maybe not to the world, but always to me.
I know that you are kind and gentle, giving and gracious, brilliant and humorous. I know that you can do anything because your faith carries you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I can never say that enough.
I will wait and pray for your arrival.
I know that day will be ours.
Our moment in the book of life when God made two halves whole.
I’ll wait for you. Always.

River

(I wrote this December 13, 2005. It was my second week living in South Carolina...and what a whirlwind that all had been. But this poem came not long after my first week of serious intercession with the Cause kids and finding my voice..my true voice...in worship for the first time.)

 

Rushing water, coming faster

A little river growing deep

Little river, be an ocean

Made of teardrops as you weep

In the mourning, there's a sunrise

And there's fire on the waters

Burning, churning till its clear,

Stirring slowly, imperfections

Ever changing, so unknowing

What mighty wind might make it shake

Little river, be a refuge

You're much stronger than you think

Little river, be a mother

They need your touch to stay alive

The rains will come and refresh you

And the Sun is looking for a wife

When its over, little lover

He'll return you to the ground

And you will nourish all existence

The lost and dry will come around

-Amanda Harman

Change is Gonna Come...

"It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will...."

So this week I'm really trying to hear from the Lord. There is so much change happening around me...and frankly...most of it scares the hell outta me.

Its scares me for many reasons: growing older, things being unlike anything I've been used to, relationships that I cherish molding into something unknown.....but most of all, because I don't want to get left behind, alone, never making anything of myself or my life.

I realized today that my main motivation over the past few years has been to try to make my life more interesting. Well maybe its been that way for a long time. I remember making up these huge lies when I was younger in a desperate attempt to be cool. I tried to convince my freshman algebra class I had family in the mob. Yes because everything about me screams Italian mafia.

As I got older, I saw all these people around me doing cool things and frankly, I felt like a loser. I had been afraid of change for so long that I knew I had to go to drastic measures to make my life get noticed. So I tried everything to make something of myself, to get noticed, make things happen, something, anything....but mostly, I really only did things within my comfort level. I kept reliving the same life, I just changed the geography a bit.

And recently, I have come to realization that my relocation to Nashville may be turning out to be the same scenario.

The past few months have been pretty dark inside me. I have been struggling with such intense loneliness and bitterness. My anger at God growing by the minute. It was frightening at moments how dark it really got. It finally came to a head this past week.

One of the most dangerous things you can do is leave a girl alone with her thoughts for a week. 

But something shifted the last few days...something good..powerful.

Maybe it was a result of a faithful few praying....maybe it was a lack of will to fight....but my resistance became surrender....and I realized I had to options: dry up and fade away or take what I have and run with it.

I decided to run. All I have is time....all I have are these two hands and a willing heart....all I have is a sharp mind and a ready pen....all I have is an opportunity to live, truly live, paying no attention to what I lack and only living for what I have to offer....my heart, my soul and a solid paragraph.

So as my act of contrition this week I will try to post something on this blog....be it something old or something new....something borrowed...something blue...and I promise you this: No longer will I live my life as if I were meant to be a shadow. I have talents and I will use them. I refuse to have regrets or to live another day in torment over my shortcoming and mistakes. I will be a writer....Wait....I am a writer....a damn good one to. Because I have something to say and I will say it....good, bad or indifferent. I will light up this world with the only weapon I have...my voice. 

So I sincerely pray that if you get anything from this blog and all my random postings, I pray that you will be inspired to speak....speak loud...you have a voice...your thoughts matter....you mind is a gift.

I pray you will take this moment of freedom I have found and run with it, spreading your gifts around like warm blankets to a tired world.

 

 "There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will." 

- lyrics (in quotations) from A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke

And They Fell In Love...

 http://icrontic.com/images/prime/KissInTheRain.jpg

 She has to remind herself to breathe

 

She forgets what she's saying in the middle of her sentence

Her thoughts are wrapped up in your smile

You are all she sees now

You are in everything she lives now

You are the pillow she lays her head on

The mercy she wakes up to

When you close your eyes, you see her face

The pink of her lips has become your favorite color

Your heart skips when she says your name

 Your eyes are the only song she remembers

Her laugh is your melody

Your heart is an ardent river

She has forever changed its current

Her heart is an everlasting candle

Nothing  can quench her flame

She is a light that shines

You are the one she burns for.

-Amanda Harman




( I dedicate this one to my favorite ladies and their favorite men. I only pray to be half as blessed in my pursuits of love. )

Summer....

 

http://go635254.s3.amazonaws.com/ecochildsplay/files/2009/07/firefly-resize.jpg

She's been waiting for this moment.

Beads of sweat on bare skin.

But they all cringe

As if they have never felt heat before.

The season always seems to surprise them.

But she feels beautiful.
Never has she shone brigther

Never has she felt stronger.

The Sun feeds her again.

Alive.

They have found use for her again.

The shade she provides from harsh light.

Children climbing on her.

She loves to hear them laughing.

Fireflies dancing through her colors.

Moonlight illuminating the unseen.

Warm nights.

A symphony of crickets playing their stringed instruments.

So alive.

She will not think of what comes next.

Maybe it won't happen this time.

She will keep her tender green.

She will not fade.

She'll never die.

She won't be barren.

There is only now.

A tire swing.

A picnic near her roots.

Fireworks light the sky.

No...it will not change.

Who would wish to end this glory?

No.

There is only this.

Winds blow.

She dances.

She drinks the rain.

Beautiful lights flash in a gray sky.

This cannot end.

She longed for this.

Burned for this.

It must not end.

- Amanda Harman

Spring....

http://fast1.onesite.com/blogs.telegraph.co.uk/user/kate_day/lara-spring.jpg?v=120000

Awake.

The trees yawn and stretch.

The flowers make a deep sigh.

The air has found life again.

The haze of winters falling sadness lifts.

She can smile again.

Warmth spreads in the light on her face.

It feels like a kiss.

The colors grow brighter by the minute.

The grass, greener.

The sky, bluer.

The change has begun.

The shadows fade.

Awake.

The wealth of sadness that was,

Is merely a memory now.

One that soon will be forgotten.

She lives in beauty now.

She lives in the sun and the sweetness.

Her joy found in roses.

Her hope found in porch swings.

 

She came back to life.

-Amanda Harman

Winter....

 

photo from: http://www.treehugger.com/amsterdam_winter_bikes.jpg

Silence

The air stings her lungs as she breathes in....out.

The world is a blanket of white around her

How ironic

There was no warmth to be found in this covering

No shelter

No protection

But she was grateful for its concealment

It hid the flaws and imperfections

Making all around her one

A clean slate

Purity

Even if it was only temporary

Silence

The chill that had set in

Like a million tiny earthquakes

Shaking her body

But the warmth had left her long before then

A coldness that couldn't be undone with a coat

Or a hot glass of cider

The earth broke under her feet 

Each footstep shattering the snow beneath

Leaving a trail of destruction on this serenity

 She crosses the street

She stops, glances upward

Snow dances from the sky

It falls on her cheeks

Leaving the slightest drops of moisture

Oh wait

Those are tears

Black night

Frozen life

Will warmth return?

Silence

- Amanda Harman

Fall....

They remark at her beauty

She is glorious colors

She attracts their eyes with her bright hues

Such a contrast to the greens of summer

She is lit up like a roaring fire

But what they see as glory, is the beginning of an ending

Death becomes her

Ready to hide her glory

The Sun no longer feeds her the way He used to

Nothing to feed her beauty

She is shutting down inside

She is falling asleep

 Maybe just to survive the winter

Maybe just to hide her shame

 Soon she will be naked and exposed

Nothing to hide behind

Nothing to distract

Just her crooked branches

Her tangled roots

Like curled fingers digging into the earth

Holding on for dear life as harsh winds blow

 It won't be long now

Her eyes are heavy

Her branches weary

Gaze upon her one last time

See only her beauty

Remember her this way

Death becomes her

Its not just the wind

She's waving goodbye. 

-Amanda Harman