"What You say I say God
And what You pray I pray
Cause Jesus only did what He saw You do
And He would only say what He heard You speak
And He would only move when He felt You lead
Following Your heart following Your spirit
So How could I expect to walk without You
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live without You
For You alone are worthy and You are always good......
Though the world sees and soon forgets
We will not forget who You are and what You've done for us
And what You've done for us
And Though the world sees and soon forgets
We will not forget what You've done for us"
- "WHERE YOU GO I GO" BY BRIAN AND JENN JOHNSON
So after a week off, I think I feel a bit more drained than I meant to be. Don't get me wrong it was an awesome week off...minus a huge fight with my mom on the last day of it. But you know what...best thing, hands down, that could have happened to me. It totally forced me to see something I was too blind or too afraid to see before....the real me.
My mom and I were having a discussion about somethings and I made a comment that made her angry and she got up and walked away. When I went to her later to try to smooth things over, she said I was acting in a way that made me seem like I was "morally superior". I of course, in my great act of maturity, got up and got my keys and left, appalled at the comment. But you know what, in a way, she was right.
I'll spare you the details and the long, drawn out process that led to my conclusions but they were simply these:
a.) I do act morally superior...maybe I was't meaning to at that exact moment but I have acted that way on many occasions without meaning to. I give the illusion that I have some moral highground to stand on, wagging my finger at all the little dirty sinners down below...meanwhile, there is a hail storm of critizism pummeling my head and my other finger wagging at me. I have no right and am owed nothing....I am not better than anyone and I have no right to judge others...plain and simple. But this is my very worst fault.
b.) I have been the imaginary victim my whole life....when what I really suffered from was some seriously jacked up belief systems on how I viewed life, issues, God and myself. And I have taken sick comfort in wallowing in my sin, shortcomings, lack of self-esteem and people who re-inforced these thoughts. I was a dog returning to my vomit and I didn't even see it.
c.) there are things, and people, I have to let go of...I have to give up on caring whether or not I have the exceptance of my family and everyone else for that matter. I have to remain in the presence of God and allow his thoughts about me, my life and those around me to become my own. I can no longer be a prisoner of need of acceptace and recognition. I also can stand around waiting for false comforts to fulfill these needs...no husband, children, job or friend can ever fill a place in my heart that only God can touch. They will fail me everytime.
d.) I had " Lies and Condemnation: Satan's Greatest Hits" on repeat in my head for way too long...time for him to shut the hell up
e.) Its time to move on..I can't keep spinning my wheels. God has given and will give me everything I need to have heavenly success. My life has begun...I need to stop waiting for it to start. I must take what I have in my hands right now and make what I can of it. Trying to be a fortune teller and plan my future...then sitting idle until it comes my way...meanwhile, nothing about this lump of clay in my hands will be changed by wishing for what I don't have....its allowing hope to inspire me to create something out of nothing and offering it as my gift to God....and hoefully he will take my pot, fill it up and returning to me so I can offer its conents to others. I'll be so busy with this exchange between Father and daughter...I won't notice my future is nipping at my heels.
I have allowed the negativity and ungodly thoughts and opinions of others dictate the course of my life. I have given up hope on myself, my potential and the Father I love. This must end so I can truely beging again.
So....Father, Thank you for opening my eyes. I know that there are others reading this right now who have fallen or are about to fall in to the same broken record pattern of life. Teach us this is not the norm....its the exception. Show us the liberty and freedom we were truely meant to feel. Teach us to see with Your eyes...love with Your heart...speak with Your words. Show us the lies that have invaded us and put the weapon of your word in our hands so that, with your leading, we can defeat our enemy. Make us more like you. Hit the "main menu" button on our lives so we can start over from the beginning....but this time, play the "directors commentary". We want to know your thoughts...hear your words...know what you want us to know...
Jesus...rewire me...renew my mind...change my life...help me to end this cycle of self-destruction and selfishness....help me to hold the highest value in what you say about me....help me to care more about pleasing you...show me the way to walk, speak and act....and in the declutterization of my mind, show me a future to hope in and a path to follow....give me the tools to be a success in your eyes and not my own...and to no longer blame others for my own lack of belief. Anything I may need that I have left out or haven't seen...I pray you will open my eyes and heart to it. Give me clean hands and a pure heart.....
I pray for you, Dear Reader, that you may see the truth, for He is the Truth...the way, for He is the Way...and the life, for He is the life. All you can ever want is in His eyes....all the love you ever need, He offers you freely in an outstretched hand. I pray He will show you His thoughts about you and remove the things that have held you bound and kept your from a life truely lived.
In Jesus Name,
Mazel tov, darlings....we are on our way to something we have only dreamed of.....true freedom.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
A woman's hope is woven of sunbeams; a shadow annihilates them
- George Eliot
So I apologize in advance that, even though i haven't written anything in a long while, this shall not be the happiest of posts. I'm having a bit of trouble lately being happy.
This week I realized that my car is dying big time and so I decided, since the value of my car is about $750, that it might just be time for a new one. So I set out on my journey to find what I was looking for. Sadly my journey has ended and it appears it may not happen for me. I have no one to co-sign for me and apparently I don't have enough credit built to get one without one. All of this surprises me greatly considering this would be my third car purchase. And to add insult to further injury the girls have been really mean to me and to each other this week. Bridgette got mad at me yesterday when I was correcting her. I was sharing how a family works and how we need to work together to make it work. She then informed me that what do I know about it? i have no family...I'm not married and I have no kids. I parked the car in the driveway, got out and cried.
I was trying to figure out why all this was getting to me so bad. I'm mean, trust me, I have dealt with a crap ton of rejection in my life. This should be old hat by now. But when I was driving home from work yesterday, leaving the girls getting ready for dinner with their Dad and a parade of ugly flowing from their mouths, it hit me what it was all about.
I'm a shadow.
I don't feel like I exist. I have nothing to show for my life. I have had to settle for less than my dreams for so long now I think I have given up on them. The car thing bothered me because I found the perfect car and I couldn't get it because the bank didn't think I existed in their credit world. I could get a less than wonderful car from the crooks down the street. They're dying to prey on poor defenseless me. It pisses me off that I'm getting punished for not going down in flames in credit card debt.
The thing with the girls that's killing me is that I'm pouring out into these kids everything I have. I teach, counsel, nurture, cook, clean, organize...........I am their mom. But their mom gets a gift on mother's day. I don't. I rarely even get a thank you.I go home to live in my one little room I rent, crawl in my bed and sleep alone. Sure I got my parents but that concept even makes me feel more pathetic. My best friend in the world right now is my mom and she can't really understand me or the things I'm dealing with. She has way more going on with my dad and his depression, finding a job, etc....My petty "finding my way" stuff pales in comparison.
I follow around after other people, cleaning up their messes and I'm so effing tired I can't see straight. I feel like I have just faded into the background and I'm watching everyone else have their life. I'm the one who said, since I was a little girl, that all I wanted to be was a mom. And yet I haven't had a date. And I'm watching people I know who said they didn't even want to get married or have babies, get married and have babies almost weekly.
So where's my happy ending? Or am I just supposed to stay in every one's shadow watching them move on while I"m standing still?
I don't really need and answer. I just needed to say this to someone before I died inside.