This is incredibly hard for me.
I have always been a fiercely independent person. I have been very used to rely on my stubborn determination and brute strength to carry on in life. I didn't really want it that way....it just sort of became my state of being. I desired greatly to have someone, anyone relieve the burden....but honestly, when it comes down to it, I really have no idea how to let them. I let people help so much but then arrogance kicks in and after awhile I respond with an irritated, "Oh just let me do it!"
This includes the Lord. I'm sure he loves that.
But if there's anything the last year of my life has taught me, its that relying on myself solely is no longer an option. Not even a little one. I'm also learning how to live with making mistakes and admitting defeat....also incredibly hard for me. I haven't included the Lord in my decisions a lot lately and its really hard to join the ranks once you've defected. I just lost hope. Hope that He really loves me no matter what. Hope that there is more to life than the obstacles and shortcomings. Hope that he does, in fact, have a plan that this is all playing in to. Hope that it is safe to trust Him.
My friend Seth said something pretty wise to me about hope the other day. He said that I shouldn't think of it as an entity separate from myself. Its always there. Which is truth. Because the Holy Spirit lives in me. We are one. He is hope. So therefore, hope is a part of me.
I sat in prayer, real, honest prayer today and I just let it all fall.
I said so many things but the thing that kept coming to me were Seth's words. I kept saying to the Lord, " Somewhere in there (my heart), I know your wisdom is waiting....somewhere in there is hope....somewhere in there I really do believe you love me...somewhere in there I know I can trust you...somewhere in there....somewhere in there.....somewhere in there...."
Somewhere in there....in my heart...in your heart....in His heart....everything you ever needed to believe is already waiting....every truth...every lie....every emotion...every wise word spoken. These things all float around in there, held in depths of your secret heart...the one only you and the Lord can know.
Its like a warehouse. He takes inventory and makes spreadsheets. He knows every single document and its contents. He files away the things that are worth holding on to. He takes all the unwanted documents and lays them on a table, holds them up one by one. This is what needs to be thrown out...destroyed....denied...removed. Then there are the few that remain under review. They're almost ready to be filed but they still need some work. Somewhere in there...
I have to chose to go to work. So do you. I have to decided what to do with those things, but He has to show me how and which ones. He's the supervisor. I'm just his favorite employee.
From somewhere in there, the Truth must and will come out. Somewhere in there, there is a purpose and this wisdom for it. Somewhere in there, you already know you are loved. So do I. Somewhere in there, we already know we are wanted. Somewhere in there, we already know Him well.
He was there from the beginning. He will be there in the end. Somewhere in the middle we will find Him if we seek Him. Somewhere in there He's always been waiting....