So I wrote not that long ago about change. And yes I'm still excited for it. But its a little harder than I thought to actually get through. There is part of you that wants everything to change at once just for the sake of needing a change of scenery. Then there is part of you that grieves the changes that hurt a little more...the ones that transition what you're used to, what you've relied on, into this strange, alien form and that is such an awkward and uncomfortable change.
It can be both liberating and terrifying to start from scratch. Then there are the changes that you are dying to make but you know you have to wait for a bit to make them and its total agony. Its like watching the grass grow. You are so over the present scenario but there just aren't all the pieces in place to make the big leap.So in the end, I feel a bit displaced and, well, weird. Its a bit lonely out in the middle of this ocean, sailing the boat alone and having no idea where you're headed or how long it s gonna take to get you there.
So yeah. But I'm hoping to set up my classes this week.Oh yeah, I forgot that part. I'm enrolling in some online classes in creative writing and possibly publishing. Things are shaping up for me little pieces at a time. Its just hard being patient and letting them happen, while having to let go of some big chunks of my life and saying goodbye to comfort zones. Its heart breaking but necessary. I'm just trying to die with dignity.
(Circa July 2, 2004....I dedicate this one to a friend who is no longer with us...he was the greatest unknown poet in the world... )
In poetry's simplicity, i dictate jumbled thoughts on you and me....flowing from thought to page in poetic symphony...hurriedly, not to lose their identity...and still we wonder as we wander.....on and on and on we ponder...who we are in life and love and what we mean to Thee above....and why we lie in ignorant slumber....dreaming and waiting for someone to call our number....and tell us why, as days roll by, who we are now and why we try....so hard not to care but still very aware of You......and we have a choice...to stay or to move.....but concrete feet and a hardened heart pulls us slowly and carefully apart...not to live but to die...not to soar....not to fly....but to lie and say we're not six feet underground.....and the defeatist abounds.....and instead of fighting....trying...living...we are dying...but I will be the exception.....no longer bathing in deception......I'm free......He sets me free
My alter-ego is Gramma Bubbie....she's like buttah....like a big stick a buttah.
My favorite color is orange....and not road cone orange...like fall orange....i love fall colors.
I sometimes turn on the QVC channel...not because I want to buy a set of knives on flex-pay....but because some of those ladies have the most soothing voices...it relaxes me.
At least once a week I have a private dance party in my room with my headphones on.
My favorite songs to dance to are Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake and Vivrant Thing by Q-Tip
New York City saved my life
I had a perm in second grade that looked like a fro... I accidentally washed it too soon.
A man at Lindy's Stardust Diner sat on my lap and sang to me
I was proposed to over the phone by a guy calling from a payphone next to his Camero when I was a freshman...it didn't work out....he was quite a bit older
I get total grossed out at the idea of sharing an ice cream cone, especially with a child
I want my own tree house
My favorite food in the world is Trader Joe's organic unsalted tortilla chips and their salsa verde with avocados.... I bought six bags of the chips last time I was there....just in case.
My first rated R movie was Total Recall with Arnold Schwarzenegger
I played with dolls till I was 14
I have a mole on my right big toe that I have had since I was a baby
I have watched the movie A Mirror Has Two Faces at least 30 times
My favorite song is Close Your Eyes by Jump Little Children
I want to live in Ireland one day and write novels
My mom wanted to name me Emily
My favorite book so far has been Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers...I cried
My dream car is a baby blue '57 Chevy Bel Air....but I am a pick-up truck kinda girl
I prefer acoustic guitar music to almost all others
I made a violin when I was a kid out of a music box, a ruler and some rubber bands....my bow was a stick I found in the yard.
I was almost placed on citizens arrest by Santa Claus
I once got so bored manning the phones at the Cause, I made an entire office set out of cardboard I found in the trash...including a lap top I named Return of the Mac....it had an apple with a bite out of it on the top...it was awesome.
(I wrote this May,6 2004...its a little embarrassing... and a lot personal..not sure i like it anymore but what the hey...part of the journey, right?Well....here ya go)
I don’t know if you know this yet but I love you.
I love you with my whole heart and with everything that I am.
I see you in my sleep, in my dreams. Not your face, just your spirit, your warmth. I feel the kindness of your smile. I feel your arms around me. You think I am lovely and I adore you.
I can see our future, our past, and the love that grows in between.
I see our children playing in emerald green grass. I hear the sound of them laughing. Oh it’s so beautiful I could weep.
I wish you could see it too. Maybe you can.
I wonder sometimes if you dream of me, of our lives together.
Though it is yet to be, we know that it’s real and it’s good and it’s right.
I know you feel it. What an amazing gift from God you are.
What greater gift could I ask for? You are perfection.
Just for the right to hold your hand, I would give anything.
I know that you’ll be beautiful. Maybe not to the world, but always to me.
I know that you are kind and gentle, giving and gracious, brilliant and humorous. I know that you can do anything because your faith carries you.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I can never say that enough.
I will wait and pray for your arrival.
I know that day will be ours.
Our moment in the book of life when God made two halves whole.
I’ll wait for you. Always.
(I wrote this December 13, 2005. It was my second week living in South Carolina...and what a whirlwind that all had been. But this poem came not long after my first week of serious intercession with the Cause kids and finding my voice..my true voice...in worship for the first time.)
"It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will...."
So this week I'm really trying to hear from the Lord. There is so much change happening around me...and frankly...most of it scares the hell outta me.
Its scares me for many reasons: growing older, things being unlike anything I've been used to, relationships that I cherish molding into something unknown.....but most of all, because I don't want to get left behind, alone, never making anything of myself or my life.
I realized today that my main motivation over the past few years has been to try to make my life more interesting. Well maybe its been that way for a long time. I remember making up these huge lies when I was younger in a desperate attempt to be cool. I tried to convince my freshman algebra class I had family in the mob. Yes because everything about me screams Italian mafia.
As I got older, I saw all these people around me doing cool things and frankly, I felt like a loser. I had been afraid of change for so long that I knew I had to go to drastic measures to make my life get noticed. So I tried everything to make something of myself, to get noticed, make things happen, something, anything....but mostly, I really only did things within my comfort level. I kept reliving the same life, I just changed the geography a bit.
And recently, I have come to realization that my relocation to Nashville may be turning out to be the same scenario.
The past few months have been pretty dark inside me. I have been struggling with such intense loneliness and bitterness. My anger at God growing by the minute. It was frightening at moments how dark it really got. It finally came to a head this past week.
One of the most dangerous things you can do is leave a girl alone with her thoughts for a week.
But something shifted the last few days...something good..powerful.
Maybe it was a result of a faithful few praying....maybe it was a lack of will to fight....but my resistance became surrender....and I realized I had to options: dry up and fade away or take what I have and run with it.
I decided to run. All I have is time....all I have are these two hands and a willing heart....all I have is a sharp mind and a ready pen....all I have is an opportunity to live, truly live, paying no attention to what I lack and only living for what I have to offer....my heart, my soul and a solid paragraph.
So as my act of contrition this week I will try to post something on this blog....be it something old or something new....something borrowed...something blue...and I promise you this: No longer will I live my life as if I were meant to be a shadow. I have talents and I will use them. I refuse to have regrets or to live another day in torment over my shortcoming and mistakes. I will be a writer....Wait....I am a writer....a damn good one to. Because I have something to say and I will say it....good, bad or indifferent. I will light up this world with the only weapon I have...my voice.
So I sincerely pray that if you get anything from this blog and all my random postings, I pray that you will be inspired to speak....speak loud...you have a voice...your thoughts matter....you mind is a gift.
I pray you will take this moment of freedom I have found and run with it, spreading your gifts around like warm blankets to a tired world.
"There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will."
- lyrics (in quotations) from A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke