Monday, November 15, 2010

Change is Gonna Come...

"It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will....

So this week I'm really trying to hear from the Lord. There is so much change happening around me...and frankly...most of it scares the hell outta me.
Its scares me for many reasons: growing older, things being unlike anything I've been used to, relationships that I cherish molding into something unknown.....but most of all, because I don't want to get left behind, alone, never making anything of myself or my life.

I realized today that my main motivation over the past few years has been to try to make my life more interesting. Well maybe its been that way for a long time. I remember making up these huge lies when I was younger in a desperate attempt to be cool. I tried to convince my freshman algebra class I had family in the mob. Yes because everything about me screams Italian mafia.

As I got older, I saw all these people around me doing cool things and frankly, I felt like a loser. I had been afraid of change for so long that I knew I had to go to drastic measures to make my life get noticed. So I tried everything to make something of myself, to get noticed, make things happen, something, anything....but mostly, I really only did things within my comfort level. I kept reliving the same life, I just changed the geography a bit.
And recently, I have come to realization that my relocation to Nashville may be turning out to be the same scenario.

The past few months have been pretty dark inside me. I have been struggling with such intense loneliness and bitterness. My anger at God growing by the minute. It was frightening at moments how dark it really got. It finally came to a head this past week.
One of the most dangerous things you can do is leave a girl alone with her thoughts for a week. 

But something shifted the last few days...something good..powerful.
Maybe it was a result of a faithful few praying....maybe it was a lack of will to fight....but my resistance became surrender....and I realized I had to options: dry up and fade away or take what I have and run with it.

I decided to run. All I have is time....all I have are these two hands and a willing heart....all I have is a sharp mind and a ready pen....all I have is an opportunity to live, truly live, paying no attention to what I lack and only living for what I have to heart, my soul and a solid paragraph.

So as my act of contrition this week I will try to post something on this it something old or something new....something borrowed...something blue...and I promise you this: No longer will I live my life as if I were meant to be a shadow. I have talents and I will use them. I refuse to have regrets or to live another day in torment over my shortcoming and mistakes. I will be a writer....Wait....I am a writer....a damn good one to. Because I have something to say and I will say it....good, bad or indifferent. I will light up this world with the only weapon I voice. 

So I sincerely pray that if you get anything from this blog and all my random postings, I pray that you will be inspired to speak....speak have a voice...your thoughts mind is a gift.

I pray you will take this moment of freedom I have found and run with it, spreading your gifts around like warm blankets to a tired world.

 "There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will.

- lyrics (in quotations) from A Change is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke

1 comment:

  1. Hey Mandy-thanks for sharing that. The line about living life as if you were meant to be a shadow creates a lot of powerful imagery and hits home to me in certain ways.