A woman's hope is woven of sunbeams; a shadow annihilates them
- George Eliot
So I apologize in advance that, even though i haven't written anything in a long while, this shall not be the happiest of posts. I'm having a bit of trouble lately being happy.
This week I realized that my car is dying big time and so I decided, since the value of my car is about $750, that it might just be time for a new one. So I set out on my journey to find what I was looking for. Sadly my journey has ended and it appears it may not happen for me. I have no one to co-sign for me and apparently I don't have enough credit built to get one without one. All of this surprises me greatly considering this would be my third car purchase. And to add insult to further injury the girls have been really mean to me and to each other this week. Bridgette got mad at me yesterday when I was correcting her. I was sharing how a family works and how we need to work together to make it work. She then informed me that what do I know about it? i have no family...I'm not married and I have no kids. I parked the car in the driveway, got out and cried.
I was trying to figure out why all this was getting to me so bad. I'm mean, trust me, I have dealt with a crap ton of rejection in my life. This should be old hat by now. But when I was driving home from work yesterday, leaving the girls getting ready for dinner with their Dad and a parade of ugly flowing from their mouths, it hit me what it was all about.
I'm a shadow.
I don't feel like I exist. I have nothing to show for my life. I have had to settle for less than my dreams for so long now I think I have given up on them. The car thing bothered me because I found the perfect car and I couldn't get it because the bank didn't think I existed in their credit world. I could get a less than wonderful car from the crooks down the street. They're dying to prey on poor defenseless me. It pisses me off that I'm getting punished for not going down in flames in credit card debt.
The thing with the girls that's killing me is that I'm pouring out into these kids everything I have. I teach, counsel, nurture, cook, clean, organize...........I am their mom. But their mom gets a gift on mother's day. I don't. I rarely even get a thank you.I go home to live in my one little room I rent, crawl in my bed and sleep alone. Sure I got my parents but that concept even makes me feel more pathetic. My best friend in the world right now is my mom and she can't really understand me or the things I'm dealing with. She has way more going on with my dad and his depression, finding a job, etc....My petty "finding my way" stuff pales in comparison.
I follow around after other people, cleaning up their messes and I'm so effing tired I can't see straight. I feel like I have just faded into the background and I'm watching everyone else have their life. I'm the one who said, since I was a little girl, that all I wanted to be was a mom. And yet I haven't had a date. And I'm watching people I know who said they didn't even want to get married or have babies, get married and have babies almost weekly.
So where's my happy ending? Or am I just supposed to stay in every one's shadow watching them move on while I"m standing still?
I don't really need and answer. I just needed to say this to someone before I died inside.