Lately, I have really struggled with myself, my God and the decisions I have made. Doubt and fear has crept in slowly in all of these things. I made the decision to obey what I felt was the leading of the Lord and move to Nashville, knowing full well that I was about to willingly walk into the wilderness. I was walking away from a community, a home and a church I loved to start completely over. But eagerness consumed me and the thrill of change compelled me so I did it. I packed up my junk and hopped in the car. I arrived with great expectation in my heart that everything was going to work out and just fall into place because I was quick to obey. Cut to a month later, as the dust cleared and the excitement wore off, I looked around and realized what I had given up and that I was out here alone, trying desperately to figure out the next step. Excitement gave way to panic, eagerness to loneliness.
Still unemployed, an almost thirty year old living back in her parents house, no car, no community besides her family...all these factors became a louder influence than the voice of the Lord. Thoughts that I was sure were no longer a concern became a roaring, raging thunderstorm in my head. I felt so consumed. It was hard to not be bitter every time I saw a pregnancy, engagement, or relationship announcement on Facebook. Loneliness can do that to you. Its not necessarily that you want those things to happen to you...you just want something or someone to acknowledge your existence. I have dreams and visions of things I long to see come to fruition but it seemed it was not the timing for those things and the waiting was agony. Bitterness began to take root and try to breed in other areas of my life.
I began to doubt whether or not I heard the Lord correctly. I began to doubt whether or not I could actually succeed at the things He was burning in my heart to do. I began to doubt whether or not I even had the strength to fight at all. I was just a scared, mess of a person who didn't want to get out of bed. I think the big tip-off was when I looked at the clock and realized I had been watching t.v for five hours straight and was completely unaware. I guess we could say, I checked out.
This is the point where I stopped and said..."Oh crap, I'm a mess." I quickly picked up my phone and sent a mass text to the women in my life I know love the Lord and asked for prayer. I felt it.
I'm not going to lie and say, "Oh...no worries...I'm fine now." But I will say this... its true what the Bible says when it say in Proverbs 13, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." I awoke with renewed hope and it brought life to my bones. It was enough to keep me pressing on through this junk. Because I know, somewhere, someday, I AM going to see beyond this hitch in the road and to the other side. I'm going to see the fruit of my prayers being brought forth. I will see my desires fulfilled because I long for His to be fulfilled in me. And for now, I can feel the life of one desire pumping through me veins...I'm still alive. I have not been consumed by the lies of the enemy and I will see another day. For now...that's enough. It doesn't make all my problems go away but it does give me the strength to keep going.
So my point, in all this, dear reader is to simply say you are not alone. Everyone has junk. Everyone gets weak. Beautifully designed, His strength is made perfect in our weakness. Whatever you are going through, whatever your struggles, know this: I'm right there with you and better than that, so is the Lord. Reach out to Him. Ask Him for wisdom and comfort. Reach out to the people who love you and tell them, "I need help". In doing this, you're not admitting defeat. Defeat implies, you have been unwillingly overtaken by your adversary. Surrender. Go willingly into the arms of the Lord and tell Him, "I give up. I surrender myself to your will. I need you. I need your strength."
I surrender too. Lord, I need you. Be my strength.
"Blessed be the Lord!
For he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy.
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
and with my song I give thanks to him.
The Lord is the strength of his people;
he is the saving refuge of his anointed.
Oh, save your people and bless your heritage!
Be their shepherd and carry them forever."