Saturday, April 3, 2010

I'm Just Not That Into Me.....

( Disclaimer: This is in no way a pity-party post. Please read the post in its entirety before commenting.)

"But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:6-8 (New King James Version)

So I'm fat. This I know. I have struggled with it my entire life. It is never something I forget about. It is never something I don't have to overcome when I get dressed....when I shop...when I wear a swimsuit at the pool. Its like walking around with a big blinking light over your head. You're praying no one notices, even though you know they do...then you're praying even harder they don't remind you of its presence.

I have really made serious attempts to change this fact but its very hard.I have grown up with some seriously bad eating habits and addictions that frankly, are quite the pain in the butt to overcome.But the worst part has been the judgement.I cannot tell you the amount of merciless teasing that I have endured over the years through childhood, teens and even in adulthood.I have been called things and told things I wouldn't say to a dog.People wanting to remind me of what I was and make sure I knew where I belonged.Its has affected almost every area of my life because I never felt good enough.

It has really gotten better the last few years because I have started caring less and less. But every once in awhile I am reminded, oh yeah...I"m still fat. Today I was taking a walk. Its 80 degrees out and I chose a spaghetti strap sun dress to walk in so I wouldn't be so hot. I thought I was so confident. I didn't care.Then, as I was coming around the corner, I saw 4 teenagers walking towards me. I knew I was toast. The didn't even attempt to hide their disgust. I think the one boy actually said, "Uggh" while looking at me...then another girl informed him I was "walking it off". Even though they were kids...there were tears under my sun glasses. Guess I'm not so confident after all.

But here's the thing. I immediately went home and verbally tore them apart to my mom for being so rude.And as I'm sitting there and these ugly words are falling from my lips...I realize...I'm no better than them.I let the bad guy win...and I have been for years. I cannot tell you how often I sit there and tear someone apart...either out loud or in my head. I tear girls down for wearing too tight clothing or showing too much skin when they're heavy.I tear people down for how they dress, talk, act, think,parent, judge...all the time. And I know better. I have been on the other side of that judgement and its crushing.

I try so hard to be a good person in almost every area of my life. I try so hard to dress nice and act nice and make everyone believe I'm this amazing person so maybe they won't judge me by my looks as much.I dress trendy,try cute hair, makeup...the whole nine yards.I smile sweetly and say nice things or funny things to try to make them like me. But heart is ugly. And eventually...its gonna show itself on the outside too. I gain nothing from tearing those people down that judge me...or anyone else for that matter...but I make myself exactly what they accuse me of...ugly. I'm no better than them. I'm my own enemy. This has to change.

And maybe it makes me so mad when people say things because in my heart, I know they see the truth. They are saying aloud thing I already think about myself.They are pointing out the flaws I am so desperate to hide.They are making my imperfections obvious and I can't handle that.I need them to see me in the way I want them to...even if its a lie. That has to change as well. I cannot be a liar and a hypocrite and then say I love Jesus. It doesn't work that way. And I cannot love others and hate myself. That doesn't work either.

So here's the truth.I have many good qualities about myself. I feel its okay to say that. But I also have many flaws: I have big feet, I weigh 270 pounds,I have acne,I have issues with my hormones that cause facial hair,I have a temper and I lie about things...more often than I care to admit.These are the things I try so hard to hide. Some of these things I can't change. Some I can. Some I must. Some I have to ask for healing about. Some I have to ask for forgiveness.But the biggest thing I need to change is my heart.That is the most tragically flawed part of all.

(And so you know, I have recently began "clean" eating (non- processed,mostly organic foods) and I work out several times a week. I have lost about 15 pounds so far, give or take.Its a challenge but its a life change...not a diet.It takes time.)


  1. I've met some beautiful skinny people that only have to open their mouths to show what's inside -- hateful, foolish, or selfish. Everyone has problems but it sucks when you have to wear your particular demons on the outside. We are ALL judgmental sometimes. You can't imagine the things I've thought about people just this week. :(
    God created you and called you by name. You are priceless!!!!

  2. And at this moment I have to say that, even though the life change and pounds lost are a good thing...the most wonderful thing, and one that makes my heart smile more, is the cleansing of your heart...I wish that more people would come to that acceptance of themselves. I have always believed you to be a beautiful person!