Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Fall...

Well hey there. Been a long time. Sorry about that. I think I ran out of things to say for a minute. Well...that's not entirely true. I had plenty of things to say but none of them fruitful. I dunno...I think I just got lost for a minute. I think maybe I still am. I work for a ministry. I am trying to keep momentum going with this one. But its hard to be successful at either when you find yourself falling a bit out of love with God. There. I said it. I wanted to take a break and come back with a fancy new blog and some fresh perspective and tell you all that everything was alright in the world and we should all go eat a cupcake and sing. But I can't. For one thing, I lack the savvy to make this blog any better. Plain in simple is in my wheelhouse.And also, I can't afford to make you all cupcakes. But we can sing if you want. Do you know any Celine Dion songs? Truthfully, everything isn't OK. At least not in my world. Truthfully, this has been the hardest year of my life. Truthfully, I'm turning 30 in 2 months and that scares the crap out of me. I feel just as lost as I did when I first graduated high school. My body's falling apart. I'm in pain every day. I started having panic attacks again. I'm seriously broke. I still have no car. I have 1 friend in the immediate area. I don't go to church anymore. I still live with my parents, I'm still fat and I am so sad it physically hurts. So yeah, I'm kind of a mess. I don't know what happened but one day I just got mad and stayed there. Then I have been lying in the it ever since. I'm mad at myself, the world, my family and yes, like I said, the Lord. I've been considering lots of options for improvement but haven't decided what to do yet. Pretty limited in resources.
I'm not telling you all this so you can feel sorry for me. I feel sorry enough for myself. I don't really need any help in that department. I'm just, as always, telling you the truth. I guarantee I'm not the only one out there in cyber land who is struggling this way. If you are too, mazel. Now you have a comrade. But here's the other kick in the pants of it all. I still believe. I still love. Maybe not as much as I did before, but somewhere in the twisted, thorn ladened vines that consume the garden of my heart, is still a tiny bud of love growing for the Lord. I know its that bloom of hope that still hold me together ( Crap that was cheesy). God only knows what would be if it didn't. I miss joy. I miss hope. I know I'll find them again. But its dark here and I'm lonely. Things are not exactly going according to the plan that I thought the Lord and I had established before I came here. But then again, maybe they are going exactly according to plan and I just wasn't forewarned. God isn't always the most forthcoming with the details in His end of  the bargain. He just sort of nods and smiles.I'm sorry I'm not more upbeat. On the bright side, they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and...uh..this to shall pass...tomorrow's another day. Blah blah blah. Whatever.I'm not dead yet so... I guess stronger it is. I am feeling pretty low, though.The only place left to go is up, right? Its cliche...but it'll do. Its the fall. Fall brings change. The old things die so things can be created. Its barren for a moment. It will all grow again.

1 comment:

  1. I say the first thing to do is look up at that picture of that wonderful soul holding a sign with a message that seems to be what you need to hear and trust today. You are <3'ed