Monday, May 21, 2012

A Love Letter...

Dear Future Husband,

Its been 10, 752 days without you so far.

In that time, I have done my very best to try to find you and now all I know is who you aren't.

I know you're not Robert. I know that because he was my first ever boyfriend. I was 12. I threatened to beat him up if he didn't go out with me. We broke up in gym class. I threw stuff at him. I know you're not Ralph. I know that because he was my first blind date. We went to McDonald's before the monster truck rally. He licked McRib sauce off his shirt and I spent most of the night crying in the bathroom. I know you're not Chad. I know that you're not because he was my second blind date. He made out with my best friend. Then he tried to convince me he was an expert swordsman.

I know that you aren't Robin. I know that because he was my first fiance (long story). He asked me to marry him when I was 14 from a payphone while he was sitting in his Camero. He also tried to light my sleeve on fire and I had to hide from him in a video store. I know you're not Ben. I know that because he left me on our first date to go to a concert with his friends. His cousin yelled at me and called me an awful name.Then on our second date he didn't speak to me the entire time. I know that you aren't the countless men I saw on the internet dating websites either. Guys that had profile names like ToughGuy123 or DreamMan22. I know that because they would send me awkward messages that I would ignore. I know you aren't the guy who flirted with me at the gas station. I know you aren't the man who whistled at me and pronounced I was "Fiiine." I know you aren't the boys who shot me down. I know you aren't the guys who never called. I know you aren't the ones who stopped calling.

I know this because that's not what love looks like. Its not what it feels like. I know this because once you found me, you would have never let me go. I know that these were just mile markers on the journey to you. I must say, I am grateful for that. I am grateful for the journey. I am grateful for the knowledge of who you won't be so I can appreciate the reality of who you will be even more. I am grateful that the damage to my heart was minimal and there aren't stolen pieces in the hands of all the wrong men. And no matter what happens from here, I hold fast to these thoughts. I will never regret one minute of it all. Even if you never come, I am better because these memories were made.  Every tear shed, every disappointment, every awkward laugh and embarrassing moment brought me one step closer. One step closer to you. I put myself out there. I didn't hide in my house, waiting for you to show up at my door. I was seen. I was heard. I got hurt. I got rejected. I tried. I let myself be vulnerable because you were worth it to me. You are worth it to me.

10, 752 days without you. Here's hoping for a lifetime with you.

Your Future Wife.