Thursday, July 22, 2010

Living Single....

" All the single ladies (all the single ladies)
All the single ladies ( all the single ladies)
All the single ladies ( all the single ladies)
Now put your hands up...."
- Beyonce

Now if you are married or are in a serious relationship that has lasted for a long time and you are probably on the track of marriage, I demand you stop reading right now. Not that I don't love you, but this post is not for you. I think you can see clearly to whom this is directed to. If may be a little "touched" and need to go to church for some healin. :)

Now I realize that I have gotten some measure of healing for the things I have been struggling with in the previous post. I got some serious revelation about my life.However, since my last post, I have gone through a whirlwind of, shall we say, shite and it has opened my eyes even wider...which is really gross and disturbing when you put those two analogies together...wouldn't want my eyes open at all for that kind of storm...yuck...more like put on a poncho, hunker down and pray for daylight kinda thing.

I have realized that I really do hate being single...for one reason the most outta them all...I want a last phone call of the night....someone to tell about my day and say goodnight to. I want to know that I have someone everyday who loves me enough that they want to know those things. Sometimes I go days and noone, at least a grown up someone, asks me how I am, what's going on, hugs me....or even touches me at all. Sometimes I have to steal hugs from the girls I watch so I won't feel like a leper. Maybe that's why I work with kids at all. I need lots of hugs.

I watched the movie " Shall We Dance?" not that long ago. There was a line in that movie that really stuck with me. Susan Sarandon was talking to a man about why we get married. She said, "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'." I loved that.

And yes, I know what you're going to say "But God cares...tell Him." Yes, you're right. But Jesus is not my boyfriend...He is something my boyfriend could never much more. But I can't call Him on the phone, cuddle up to Him near a fire or throw my arms around Him and cry on His shoulder. I don't have a guy to call when my car breaks down or something breaks in my house. I don't have a guy to walk me to my car when its dark out. These are things...the little things...affirmations that you are loved, safe and cared for that so many take for granted. They are gifts.

I just have to say it. Being single sucks. I'm in this all on my own. I was in the E.R. passing a kidney stone and in so much pain I thought I was going to split...and here sits my poor mom with her 27 year old daughter crying like a baby, wishing someone would hold her. After, I had to spend a few days recovering...wishing I had someone to watch movies with me. This week I had some free time so I went to the coffee shop to read and have a cup...there were so many cute couples, sitting, sipping coffee, chatting away...I pined away. Then to add insult to further injury the lady next to me plops down the cutest little baby in a little car seat on the table. Oh man....

I'm not trying to whine here....just expressing my opinion. I wanna a man, be that desire good, bad or indifferent...I don't care.Maybe I need an ego boost...maybe I'm bored...I dunno.I do not enjoy being single.I think it sucks scissors. I won't not be looking for Mr. don't bother with that one. Any person who tells me, "He'll come when you'r enot looking"....yeah....that's never NOT look....seriously. And I'm tired of having hang outs when I'm the only single person in the room. I'm tired of all my friends having babies and not me....tired of it...half of them are on their like 12th kid already. I have a lot of catching up to do....I wanna go on dates. I wanna last call of the night. I want to hold hands. I want to get married. I want to have kids...I want all of it.

I'm ready for love, as India Arie once said, why are you hiding from me?


  1. Mandy...I freakin love your guts for writing this. I love your guts so much. You have courage to say things that i think all the time. It's so damn annoying when married people say it... but i know how you feel because i'm there right with you.

    love to you my dear.

  2. I just had three people lay that line on me "it'll happen when you least expect it"

    what a lot of crap all of that is. I have a little different situation because I had a bunch of kids with a guy who hated me (leah and Jacob, anyone?) -- but I do think about spending the rest of my life alone, with no one to talk to, and it does hurt a lot. It is not fun. You do feel lost, unimportant, and unloved. And surprisingly having kids doesn't really make that better.

    I just pray a lot. And I'm going to start practicing giving God praise when I feel the most depressed -- just to see if I can make it a habit, and i hope that it will make life easier in some small way.

    Kisses and hugs mandy!

  3. i love both your guys' guts for your happy for a complete lack of judgement on this topic. i will try prayer Katy....that stuff works :)