Saturday, March 27, 2010

Crazy Little Thing Called Love.....

So I guess by the world’s standards, I would be considered a “love failure”. I’m 27, unmarried, living with my folks again, never had a boyfriend, or a first kiss...heck,I’ve never even held hands with a guy accept for in a prayer circle. But its not for lack of trying. Let me run down my brief history, as best as i can recall it, in the art of dating:

My first romance. His name was Robin. I met him at VBS. I was in first grade, he was in fifth. He tried to give me my first kiss. I told him it was gross and ran away. Then he broke my brothers drums and was banned from my house. He spent the rest of the summer riding his bike past my house a few times a day. Very “Romeo and Juliet” know, minus the suicide.

Sixth grade, Robert Dapice, my first “boyfriend”. I threatened to beat him up if he didn’t go out with me. It was love. Then one day, I heard through my friends he was breaking up our three week romance because he had the nerve to move away. Well, being the confident woman I was, I found him sitting in the bleachers in gym class and informed him that no one treats me that way and then threw every thing he ever gave me ( i believe it was some old foreign coins, a quarter-machine necklace and a small trinket box) in his face. He then did the sweetest thing. He came to my English class and returned all of it and said he was sorry. He had this look on his face and I knew I had hurt his feelings really bad. I still have those things he gave me to this day.

High school was another story. My friends were desperate to “find me a man”. Thus began a series of disastrous and admittedly hilarious blind dates. First there was Chad. Chad was an interesting fellow. He came over to meet me one day after school. About an hour later I found him out back making out with the girl who was setting us up. It was really okay though. I found out later, when he was trying to convince me he was an expert swordsman...yeah...he was a liar.

Then there was Ralph. God love really wasn’t his fault. I think when you're named Ralph people naturally have lower expectations of you.I was trying not to judge our date by the fact that he licked McRib sauce of his monster truck was really the fact that he took me to a monster truck rally that sealed our fate. Kind of hard to get to know someone over the sounds of roaring engines and crushing metal.

And finally there was Robin. Yes, another one, or so I thought. Robin got my number from a friend who lived a few towns away. Why she thought he was the man of my dreams, God only knows, but whatever. We began our relationship completely on the phone. I was all of fourteen or fifteen and it was summer....I was just having fun. I later realized, when he was asking me to marry him from a gas station pay phone while our “song” was blaring from his Camero, that maybe we were having a little too much fun. I hadn’t even met the guy yet. Stupidly, I said yes to his crazy proposal. Then we decided it might be a good idea if we So we did.Does the term “uni bomber” mean anything to you? He tried to set my shirt sleeve on fire with a lighter. When I asked him why he said, “ I wanted to see if it would catch.” And if it did, I was the girl for you if I remembered to stop drop and roll?

Needless to say, I ended that quickly....with the help of my best friend, Jenny, a master of the art of deception. I believe I was described as a pregnant, crack addict with an abusive boyfriend.Yikes. Not proud of that one. But felt a little better about it when I found out from my older brother that this Robin was in fact the very same Robin from first grade and that his father was also his grandfather.....thank you Jesus from saving me from dipping into that gene pool.

I took a break from dating for a long time....well it was more like life took a break for me. Not a soul asked me out for years. Then, long after high school, the guys started to come around again. There was a guy who tried to get me to go out with him by giving me his “business card”. was the card of the restaurant he worked a bus boy. Then there was another fellow.....close friend of mine. That story was little more sad...we’ll save it for another day. The there was “B”. B really liked me. He was a friend of a friend. He asked me out on a date, which he was several hours late for, and I didn’t even know it was a date until he asked to meet my mom. He then proceeded the rest of the "date" to inform me of all the reasons he sucked, all the girls he used to like and had his mom call me to apologize for making him late. He then ditched me to hang with his friends.

After seven months, he contacted me again to attempt to make up for his behavior. The first time we were to hang out he pulled in my drive for five seconds and then drove away. He called me later to say his friends were hungry and they decided to go to Steak and Shake....then his cousin called me a douche. Then, in an attempt to make amends later, he decided to come over and meet my friends. After showing up three hours late and with six of his friends in tow, he then proceeded to ignore my existence....literally.....the entire time he was there. Yeah, that was the last time I ever talked to him. After him there was Christian, my spicy Latin friend. He could cook and fix cars. Needless to say, I was really kicking myself when I finally realized he liked me.... about a month after we stopped hanging out....when my roommates were like,”Duh...hello...he likes you.” Bummer.

There have been a few mini flirtations over the years but no one else ever really has expressed interest. And I am totally not the type to ask a guy out. Its just not my style.

I look at this list of guys and I laugh. It really has been a comedy of errors. And there have been times when I really questioned my part in it all. Have I done something wrong? Why am I attracting these guys? Why can’t I find a real man? Are my expectations to high? But then...after awhile...I come to the realization that it really can’t be my fault. None of them lasted long enough to give me the chance to do something wrong. And most of it was just the Lord protecting my heart anyway.I’m grateful I don’t have the emotional baggage of having tons of broken relationships. I don’t have the guilt of having shared intimate moments with someone I didn’t really love.I have been spared the torment of the dating scene.

I know what I am worth and that true, lasting, God centered love is worth waiting for. There is a guy out there for me somewhere. Its just taking us a little while to find each other.An But in this time of singleness, the Lord has taught me more about love and commitment than nay man on earth could have ever shown me. So yes, to the world I may be a “love failure” I’m not willing to settle for anything less than the the one God has designed me for.

And no, I don’t think that’s setting my expectations to high. I just want a guy who sets my heart on fire...not my clothes.


  1. Oh. My. Gosh. That was one of the funniest things i've ever read.. I thought I was going to pee my pants when Robin 2 turned out to be the same as Robin 1.. and his Daddy was his Grandaddy. Poor Robin... You, my friend, are going to make some gorgeous man very, VERY lucky and I pray it's soon. Because I can't wait to cry my eyes out at your wedding then dance my butt off at your reception. Ok i love you and goodbye. -- Jenny Joy

  2. Yes, take it from someone on the other side of that hell -- you've been spared a lot of really really bad stuff!
    I have a friend who just got married last year, after about 15 years of dating losers. Trust me, when God finally brings the right guy, it'll be worth the wait.

  3. the scary part is this is all true. and thank you ladies for your're both invited to the wedding :)

  4. Robin?! A whole year of living together and I never heard of Robin! You held back :) I sure miss your sense of humor!