In honor of Valentine's Day this week, let's flash back to one of my favorite pieces I've ever written.
Enjoy!
An Open Letter to the Man I Love
Friday, February 7, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
To Love Yourself Enough : a look into "Confessions of a Big Girl" by Dr. Naima Johnston-Bush
“I care about you, I like you a lot.” I said.
“Why then?” he responded in confusion, “Why did you push your cousin and me together?”
I took a deep breath and turned to face him,
“Because I never thought that you could like me. That you would like me after you saw her.” The words that came out of his mouth have reverberated in my mind for years, and during the summer I turned twenty-eight came back to haunt me with a vengeance.
“It’s too late now Nema. I like your cousin. You know before you pass judgment and push guys away you need to give yourself a chance. Tach is chill, fly in fact, but you’re special and until you stop bugging and realize this you’ll be with losers like Mike forever. Tach can take care of her own love life, she doesn’t need your help cause you feel like no one will wanna kick it with you. But you’ll be kickin’ it alone if you only focus on how fly she is and how fly you ani’t. You don’t know how good you are, do you?”
....I spent the remainder of my teenage years and early twenties storing Ralph’s words in my heart, involved in one unfulfilling relationship after another. As a grown woman I have consistently attracted men who have seen a weakness in me. It was a weakness that I struggled for years to seriously overcome. The weakness that drew them to me was the weakness of not loving myself enough..."
Oh sweet Lord.
Like looking in a mirror.
So many times I have found myself in this same situation. Always the girl who's funny. Always the best friend. Always the butt of the joke. But never the first love. Never the girlfriend. Never the desirable. In reading this passage from "Confessions of a Big Girl: reflections on fat, faith and femininity" by Dr.Naima Johnston-Bush, it struck a very deep chord of hurt in my life. I have, in so many relationships, pushed people away out of fear, hurt or shame. I was always on the defense, never believing anyone could ever really love me. I was always suspicious. I was always in doubt. I never felt worthy. If truth be told, I still do this.
I have a string of unkind men attempt to enter my life. I have had a few guys that I knew liked me and that I promptly pushed into the arms of someone else. The bad guys could smell it on me, smell the desperation, and wanted to wrap their grimy hands around it. The good guys wanted to love me through my brokenness. I would have none of it.
In the end though, and through the hand of the Lord, I'm sure, they all faded away almost as soon as they emerged.I am discovering, as Dr. Naima did, my weakness. I didn't/don't love myself and I am desperately afraid of rejection.
I have spent the last few months going to counseling after realizing that tackling this weakness was too much for me to take on alone. It was time to overcome and it was OK to admit I needed help. (its okay for you to admit that too. Jesus still loves us). I remember after my first counseling session, I looked at my roommate and said, "Thank God. I am so grateful right now. I am so grateful I am not married and I don't have children. I'm not a whole person. Everything I had to offer them was broken and discolored. It was lies and self-hatred. I am so thankful. He spared them....and me. He is allowing me to heal. I will have so much more to give and it will be good and will be truth and it will be real love. I could never love them rightly because I don't love myself."
Ladies (and gents), we have wasted so much time. We have let so many beautiful things slip through our fingers. We have thrown away so many resources by feeding the demons of self-hatred and unworthiness. We have the infinite depths of love from a man who calls us worthy...who calls us lovely...who desires us...who pursues us. His name is Jesus. And though we may "know" it...do we own it? Can we forgive ourselves and embrace our individuality? Can we let go of the comparisons we have bound ourselves in and believe that the world cannot even comprehend the depths of value He puts in even one strand of hair on our head? Instead of the running tally of flaws and imperfections and focus on all the reasons someone could never really love us, let's first make the choice to love ourselves even if the only reason is because He loves us first. That's a pretty good reason.
Jesus wants to kick it with you.
You fly girl. You fly.
______________________________________________________________________
The excerpt above was from Confessions of a Big Girl,Reflections on Fat,Faith and Femininity by Dr.Naima Johnston Bush available now at www.amazon.com.
The first two people to leave a comment will be entered into a drawing to win a free copy of the book!
For more information about Naima visit www.facebook.com/ministryofnaima .
“Why then?” he responded in confusion, “Why did you push your cousin and me together?”
I took a deep breath and turned to face him,
“Because I never thought that you could like me. That you would like me after you saw her.” The words that came out of his mouth have reverberated in my mind for years, and during the summer I turned twenty-eight came back to haunt me with a vengeance.
“It’s too late now Nema. I like your cousin. You know before you pass judgment and push guys away you need to give yourself a chance. Tach is chill, fly in fact, but you’re special and until you stop bugging and realize this you’ll be with losers like Mike forever. Tach can take care of her own love life, she doesn’t need your help cause you feel like no one will wanna kick it with you. But you’ll be kickin’ it alone if you only focus on how fly she is and how fly you ani’t. You don’t know how good you are, do you?”
....I spent the remainder of my teenage years and early twenties storing Ralph’s words in my heart, involved in one unfulfilling relationship after another. As a grown woman I have consistently attracted men who have seen a weakness in me. It was a weakness that I struggled for years to seriously overcome. The weakness that drew them to me was the weakness of not loving myself enough..."
Oh sweet Lord.
Like looking in a mirror.
So many times I have found myself in this same situation. Always the girl who's funny. Always the best friend. Always the butt of the joke. But never the first love. Never the girlfriend. Never the desirable. In reading this passage from "Confessions of a Big Girl: reflections on fat, faith and femininity" by Dr.Naima Johnston-Bush, it struck a very deep chord of hurt in my life. I have, in so many relationships, pushed people away out of fear, hurt or shame. I was always on the defense, never believing anyone could ever really love me. I was always suspicious. I was always in doubt. I never felt worthy. If truth be told, I still do this.
I have a string of unkind men attempt to enter my life. I have had a few guys that I knew liked me and that I promptly pushed into the arms of someone else. The bad guys could smell it on me, smell the desperation, and wanted to wrap their grimy hands around it. The good guys wanted to love me through my brokenness. I would have none of it.
In the end though, and through the hand of the Lord, I'm sure, they all faded away almost as soon as they emerged.I am discovering, as Dr. Naima did, my weakness. I didn't/don't love myself and I am desperately afraid of rejection.
I have spent the last few months going to counseling after realizing that tackling this weakness was too much for me to take on alone. It was time to overcome and it was OK to admit I needed help. (its okay for you to admit that too. Jesus still loves us). I remember after my first counseling session, I looked at my roommate and said, "Thank God. I am so grateful right now. I am so grateful I am not married and I don't have children. I'm not a whole person. Everything I had to offer them was broken and discolored. It was lies and self-hatred. I am so thankful. He spared them....and me. He is allowing me to heal. I will have so much more to give and it will be good and will be truth and it will be real love. I could never love them rightly because I don't love myself."
Ladies (and gents), we have wasted so much time. We have let so many beautiful things slip through our fingers. We have thrown away so many resources by feeding the demons of self-hatred and unworthiness. We have the infinite depths of love from a man who calls us worthy...who calls us lovely...who desires us...who pursues us. His name is Jesus. And though we may "know" it...do we own it? Can we forgive ourselves and embrace our individuality? Can we let go of the comparisons we have bound ourselves in and believe that the world cannot even comprehend the depths of value He puts in even one strand of hair on our head? Instead of the running tally of flaws and imperfections and focus on all the reasons someone could never really love us, let's first make the choice to love ourselves even if the only reason is because He loves us first. That's a pretty good reason.
Jesus wants to kick it with you.
You fly girl. You fly.
______________________________________________________________________
The excerpt above was from Confessions of a Big Girl,Reflections on Fat,Faith and Femininity by Dr.Naima Johnston Bush available now at www.amazon.com. The first two people to leave a comment will be entered into a drawing to win a free copy of the book!
For more information about Naima visit www.facebook.com/ministryofnaima .
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Skin & Bones...
She was the human definition of "skin and bones". Her hair was thin and stringy. Her skin was coated in fake orange tint and the only thing covering her joints...every bone sticking out. She stood for what seemed like a lifetime, mulling over a yogurt choice....only to fill her cart half full with probably 30 containers of the "carb smart" brand. The only thing to rival it were packages of chicken breasts, jello and leafy green vegetables in plastic bags. She never looked anyone in the eye. You could feel the loneliness emanating from every pour. I could hardly stand to walk away from her. I wanted to run up and wrap my arms around her, cry my eyes out and beg her to get help. Its not often you see someone dying right in front of you.
I prayed and prayed and asked the Lord what to say to her. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't say anything. I was afraid I would offend her. I was afraid she wouldn't want to hear me. I was mostly afraid because I didn't feel like I had any authority to speak into her life. I have struggled my whole life with body image issues. My issues are vastly different in the way they are manifested but they come from the same place: insecurity, self-hatred and deception. I worried she would take one look at me and say, "Well, first of all, you're body is my worst nightmare...and what the heck are you talking about? You are as messed up as I am."
So I got in my car, drove away, walked in my front door and cried.
I don't even know why I'm writing this because normally I have some neat little way to wrap it up in a life lesson and we all can move on feeling warm and snugly. I can't do that this time. I'm too angry. I'm too angry at the lies we believe in. I'm too angry at the deception of beauty that too many women are buying in to. I'm too sad that we make choices, so many times, based on comparison, envy, insecurity and pressure. Women (and men) bound up in this war of lust of the flesh and lust of the eyes...being fooled into believing that all that life holds for you is what occurs when you spend your days trying to make the world believe you either are perfect or that you don't care (even though you do so bad its killing you) that you aren't.
So today I declare we get to have the day off.
Today, we get the day off from all of it...all the lies...all the hurt...all the pain.
You (and I) have a free pass. You are free to be who you are. No pressure. No lies. None.
You are free and loved and whole and nothing else matters in the world but that.
So take a deep breath.
Close your eyes.
Feel it. True freedom. There is no one to please...nobody else you need to be. Just you.
And guess what...you can have tomorrow off too. And the day after. And the day after that.
Just think of this as an eternal weekend.
Food for thought:
Jesus,
I thank you today for TRUE freedom. Papa, I pray that every woman (or man) that reads this would be overwhelmed by your love today. I thank you that in your presence, there is healing and fullness of joy. I thank you that when we are near you, nothing else matters. The warmth of your heart melts away the icy grip of sin and death and the trappings of this world. Papa, I thank you that you came to set us free and whom the son sets free is free indeed. I thank you that we don't need to be anyone other than who you have made us to be. You made us in your image, which is perfect and lacking nothing. We can cling to that truth and bind it on our hearts. I declare full freedom from self-hatred and condemnation to every person that reads this in Jesus' name. Papa, be near to the broken hearted and fill them with joy. Let your joy be their strength to fight back. To not give in. To grab onto their freedom with all that they have and to bind it on their hearts. Thank you for you love and that you never stop desiring us to love ourselves the way you love us. Let us not hold back anymore. A love war has been declared.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen
Meditation Verse:
"But the Lord said to Samuel, Look not on his appearance or at the height of his stature, for I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
1Samuel 16:7
"You are altogether beautiful, my love;
there is no flaw in you." Song of Solomon 4:7
"For you formed my inward parts;you knitted me together in my mother's womb.I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well."
Psalm 139:13-14
I prayed and prayed and asked the Lord what to say to her. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't say anything. I was afraid I would offend her. I was afraid she wouldn't want to hear me. I was mostly afraid because I didn't feel like I had any authority to speak into her life. I have struggled my whole life with body image issues. My issues are vastly different in the way they are manifested but they come from the same place: insecurity, self-hatred and deception. I worried she would take one look at me and say, "Well, first of all, you're body is my worst nightmare...and what the heck are you talking about? You are as messed up as I am."
So I got in my car, drove away, walked in my front door and cried.
I don't even know why I'm writing this because normally I have some neat little way to wrap it up in a life lesson and we all can move on feeling warm and snugly. I can't do that this time. I'm too angry. I'm too angry at the lies we believe in. I'm too angry at the deception of beauty that too many women are buying in to. I'm too sad that we make choices, so many times, based on comparison, envy, insecurity and pressure. Women (and men) bound up in this war of lust of the flesh and lust of the eyes...being fooled into believing that all that life holds for you is what occurs when you spend your days trying to make the world believe you either are perfect or that you don't care (even though you do so bad its killing you) that you aren't.
So today I declare we get to have the day off.
Today, we get the day off from all of it...all the lies...all the hurt...all the pain.
You (and I) have a free pass. You are free to be who you are. No pressure. No lies. None.
You are free and loved and whole and nothing else matters in the world but that.
So take a deep breath.
Close your eyes.
Feel it. True freedom. There is no one to please...nobody else you need to be. Just you.
And guess what...you can have tomorrow off too. And the day after. And the day after that.
Just think of this as an eternal weekend.
Food for thought:
Jesus,
I thank you today for TRUE freedom. Papa, I pray that every woman (or man) that reads this would be overwhelmed by your love today. I thank you that in your presence, there is healing and fullness of joy. I thank you that when we are near you, nothing else matters. The warmth of your heart melts away the icy grip of sin and death and the trappings of this world. Papa, I thank you that you came to set us free and whom the son sets free is free indeed. I thank you that we don't need to be anyone other than who you have made us to be. You made us in your image, which is perfect and lacking nothing. We can cling to that truth and bind it on our hearts. I declare full freedom from self-hatred and condemnation to every person that reads this in Jesus' name. Papa, be near to the broken hearted and fill them with joy. Let your joy be their strength to fight back. To not give in. To grab onto their freedom with all that they have and to bind it on their hearts. Thank you for you love and that you never stop desiring us to love ourselves the way you love us. Let us not hold back anymore. A love war has been declared.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen
Meditation Verse:
"But the Lord said to Samuel, Look not on his appearance or at the height of his stature, for I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
1Samuel 16:7
"You are altogether beautiful, my love;
there is no flaw in you." Song of Solomon 4:7
"For you formed my inward parts;you knitted me together in my mother's womb.I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well."
Psalm 139:13-14
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