A Dandy Lion....

"...the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force." Matthew 11:12

So it always seems to be when I'm struggling to hold on to something, the Lord reminds me how much I need to let go. Tiny boxes...tiny mind sets...tiny expectations...these are the formats I so often seem to put God in. Last weekend was amazing. I never felt the Lord so strong in my whole life. We had a conference about children at my church and I just got wrecked. It was amazing because I felt really filled up for the week t come.I started a new job this week. Oh buddy....its hard. Not in a bad way...it just a lot to do and not a lot of time for me. And as the unofficial Queen of Control....this is a hard one for me. I like my plans, my lists, my control, my timing and my order....leaves very little room for anyone's ideas of what my day should look like.

I watch two little girls, ages 5 and 8. The youngest is home with me all day while the oldest is at school. I cook, clean, teach, run errands, make plans, and drive to lessons from 7:30 in the morning until around 6 at night, Monday through Friday. By the time I get home and get settled and scrounge up something to shove down my throat, its almost time to go to bed. Its hard...but I sooooo know I'm getting trained for my own family. That parts pretty cool. But it leaves very little down time, which I'm sure all you mom's know exactly what I'm talking about.I've been so tired, its even been hard to sleep...I can't seem to unwind.And worst of all, my prayer time and quiet time have been virtually non-existent.what a difference a week can make.

By the end of the week I was really starting to feel it all crashing down on me. I was exhausted, emotionally drained, physically drained and my God tank was so on E. I felt overwhelmed and alone.How is that possible? In one week, I crashed that hard? Was this attack?

The youngest child loves dandelions...a lot. And there just so happens to be a huge yard full of them across the street. So we decided one afternoon to go pick some and make wishes. Trying to stuff it all down, and was pretending I didn't notice how empty I felt and was jovially making dandelion wishes. I wished for love...money....health...etc...picking up each dandelion gingerly and blowing as hard as I could to get all the fuzz off at once so it would come true. Well, the little girl was watching me and she looks at me with a grin and says, "No, you do it like this." Then she proceeds to jump up and down as hard as she can, smashing bunches of dandelions to smithereens...all the while laughing hysterically.

I was taken aback. Child like faith is so amazing...
Here I was, excepting my fate...half-hearted and careful....making wishes for things I didn't believe would really happen...and she was taking them all down at once with joy and abandon.
Silly me.

So what's the point? Well its simple really. I can except my fate and continue to plug away while my insides whither or I can fight.....fight for every spare second I have and live them purposefully....knowing that there in lies my salvation....in the arms of Christ. I need to make it a priority everyday that He is first....before the laundry...before the kids...before dinner prep and gymnastics class. I have to fight for the Lord. I have to bang down the doors of heaven in every spare second of the day because I believe that God will answer. And I have to squash the distractions and the ploys of the enemy that somehow folding underwear is more important than spending a moment in prayer.

Every mom I have ever talked to has told me the same thing. They wish they had more time for God. And the sad part is that these aren't my kids...or my house...or heck, even my underwear for crying out loud. So I guess the answer is we fight....we find the time. Even if its ten minutes...even if its five...its so much better than none. Otherwise, what do we have left to give. Certainly not the best of ourselves....certainly not enough to hold a well armed fight against the enemies tactics. We aren't just fighting for ourselves, but for those we love...our homes...our finances...and the world at large. We have to been in the presence of the Lord continually to know His heart. We have to be watching and waiting.

"And the Lord said, “Who then is that faithful and wise steward, whom his master will make ruler over his household, to give them their portion of food in due season? Blessed is that servant whom his master will find so doing when he comes. Truly, I say to you that he will make him ruler over all that he has. But if that servant says in his heart, ‘My master is delaying his coming,’ and begins to beat the male and female servants, and to eat and drink and be drunk,the master of that servant will come on a day when he is not looking for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in two and appoint him his portion with the unbelievers. And that servant who knew his master’s will, and did not prepare himself or do according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes.But he who did not know, yet committed things deserving of stripes, shall be beaten with few. For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; and to whom much has been committed, of him they will ask the more."
Luke 12:42-48


So there it is....I have to fight. Everyday. I have to let heaven hear my voice. I have to roar.
I'm not just gonna stomp on them....I'm gonna be a dandy lion.

I'm Just Not That Into Me.....

( Disclaimer: This is in no way a pity-party post. Please read the post in its entirety before commenting.)

"But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the LORD does not see as man sees for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:6-8 (New King James Version)

So I'm fat. This I know. I have struggled with it my entire life. It is never something I forget about. It is never something I don't have to overcome when I get dressed....when I shop...when I wear a swimsuit at the pool. Its like walking around with a big blinking light over your head. You're praying no one notices, even though you know they do...then you're praying even harder they don't remind you of its presence.

I have really made serious attempts to change this fact but its very hard.I have grown up with some seriously bad eating habits and addictions that frankly, are quite the pain in the butt to overcome.But the worst part has been the judgement.I cannot tell you the amount of merciless teasing that I have endured over the years through childhood, teens and even in adulthood.I have been called things and told things I wouldn't say to a dog.People wanting to remind me of what I was and make sure I knew where I belonged.Its has affected almost every area of my life because I never felt good enough.

It has really gotten better the last few years because I have started caring less and less. But every once in awhile I am reminded, oh yeah...I"m still fat. Today I was taking a walk. Its 80 degrees out and I chose a spaghetti strap sun dress to walk in so I wouldn't be so hot. I thought I was so confident. I didn't care.Then, as I was coming around the corner, I saw 4 teenagers walking towards me. I knew I was toast. The didn't even attempt to hide their disgust. I think the one boy actually said, "Uggh" while looking at me...then another girl informed him I was "walking it off". Even though they were kids...there were tears under my sun glasses. Guess I'm not so confident after all.

But here's the thing. I immediately went home and verbally tore them apart to my mom for being so rude.And as I'm sitting there and these ugly words are falling from my lips...I realize...I'm no better than them.I let the bad guy win...and I have been for years. I cannot tell you how often I sit there and tear someone apart...either out loud or in my head. I tear girls down for wearing too tight clothing or showing too much skin when they're heavy.I tear people down for how they dress, talk, act, think,parent, judge...all the time. And I know better. I have been on the other side of that judgement and its crushing.

I try so hard to be a good person in almost every area of my life. I try so hard to dress nice and act nice and make everyone believe I'm this amazing person so maybe they won't judge me by my looks as much.I dress trendy,try cute hair, makeup...the whole nine yards.I smile sweetly and say nice things or funny things to try to make them like me. But inside....my heart is ugly. And eventually...its gonna show itself on the outside too. I gain nothing from tearing those people down that judge me...or anyone else for that matter...but I make myself exactly what they accuse me of...ugly. I'm no better than them. I'm my own enemy. This has to change.

And maybe it makes me so mad when people say things because in my heart, I know they see the truth. They are saying aloud thing I already think about myself.They are pointing out the flaws I am so desperate to hide.They are making my imperfections obvious and I can't handle that.I need them to see me in the way I want them to...even if its a lie. That has to change as well. I cannot be a liar and a hypocrite and then say I love Jesus. It doesn't work that way. And I cannot love others and hate myself. That doesn't work either.

So here's the truth.I have many good qualities about myself. I feel its okay to say that. But I also have many flaws: I have big feet, I weigh 270 pounds,I have acne,I have issues with my hormones that cause facial hair,I have a temper and I lie about things...more often than I care to admit.These are the things I try so hard to hide. Some of these things I can't change. Some I can. Some I must. Some I have to ask for healing about. Some I have to ask for forgiveness.But the biggest thing I need to change is my heart.That is the most tragically flawed part of all.

(And so you know, I have recently began "clean" eating (non- processed,mostly organic foods) and I work out several times a week. I have lost about 15 pounds so far, give or take.Its a challenge but its a life change...not a diet.It takes time.)

Just a Little Note...

Hiya. So I was kind of on a kick there for a little bit. Then I kind of ran out of things to say. Eh....they come and go, these thoughts of mine. But before you think I have totally abandoned you, I just wanted to tell you Happy Easter. I hope you are filled with the glory of His presence and are overwhelmed by His love. Jesus died so that we might live. What an amazing gift. Enjoy it.


"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And why? Because of that person's failure to believe in the one-of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him." John 3:16 The Message