Poem 42...

I made a post on Instagram a few days back, pointing to a particuliarly deep struggle I have had with depression. I really wanted to share this poem the Lord gave me that day. He was leading me through Psalm 42:11.

Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my salvation and my God.

He was reminding me how in the Psalms, you see this same ebb in flow, back in forth or total adoration and utter despair....but yet the author time after time falls back into the arms of hope, often within the same paragraph. Despair....darkness...hopelessness...these are not new things. And Jesus is most certainly not afraid of them. But He has conquered them. He is the "Father who made the heavenly lights, in whom there is no inconsistency or shifting shadow." He doesn't cower to your brooding and inconsistent adoration. He NEVER changes. His light overcomes your shadows. His postion is held....to fight for you eternally and eagerly desires you to walk in the freedom He gave His life for. The ebbs and flows of our walk with Jesus are normal. We have peaks and valleys, but neither are permanent. He calls us to remember, even in the darkest of nights, if we squint hard enough, there is always a glimmer of His light to hold on to. You will see His face again.

              ________

For just as long as the light lasts,
I will see Your hand holding fast to me.
For just as long as the light lasts,
I will remember the sound of Your voice.
For just as long as the light lasts,
I will remember your goodness.
For just as long as the light lasts,
I won't be lead by my pain.
For just as long as the light lasts,
I won't trust the advice of emotion.
For just as long as the light lasts,

I will embrace Your shoulders.

For just as long as the light lasts,

I will let You sing to me.

For just as long as the light lasts,

I will be present for the healing.

For just as long as the light lasts,

I will cling to every promise.

For just as long as the light lasts,

You will be here, my champion.

The Gospel of the Nomad : my adoption story.

no·mad

ˈnōˌmad/

noun

1. 1.

   a member of a people having no permanent abode, and who travel from place to place 

   
   

  There are so many reasons a person runs away. There are so many variables. I knew I'd get tired of it eventually. Something in me had grown wild and needed the air. I was so unsure of myself and the choice I was about to make. I pressed the radio button on in my truck. 

"I will walk by faith....even when I cannot see."

The words struck my heart like an iron hammer and tears welled up in my eyes. It was time to go. It was always time to go. This was my sign from the Lord that I should just drop everything and trust that it was all going to work out. And so I moved to South Carolina.

I never meant to be a runner. I never meant to never stay long. But when you spend a couple years in the most intense bondage of fear that you have ever known. So strong you were afraid to leave the house because you thought you might die...literally. So strong you hadn't slept for more than a few hours a night for over a year and that was only because you passed out. So strong you are failing out of high school because the meds the doctors put you on don't leave much more room in your day for homework because you slept away your senior year. Well...when that freedom finally comes, you run with it. And you run and you run. Sitting still would prove you weren't really healed.

So I drove my little red truck to the next destination in my continual quest for the perfect place to call home. I moved once a year for ten years. I'm not always sure I knew why. Most of it was because I thought it was the Lord. Some of it was because I was always trying to find where I belonged. I never felt I did. I thought I was healed because I could finally leave the house. But I had never really shook the loneliness years mental anguish had left.Its not hard to pick up and take off when you feel unwanted. You don't really care if anyone will miss you when you feel unloved. I don't think it was ever anyone's intention that I felt that way but I was suffering. But I never let myself sit still long enough to notice.City after city, nothing ever satisfied. 

Since moving to the Cincinnati area, I have been on an intense journey and one that is not close to over.The Lord let me know early on that this is where He wanted me and I was safe. I could plant roots here. Unsure of what that

meant completely, I began to see how important it was to fully heal and face the demons I had been running from. 

So I did. 

Over the course of several months, the nomad in me shook and fussed. She wanted to run. It was too hard and too painful. I had enough of dealing with all this alone. I knew that the only way to survive  was to become a part of something bigger than me to distract from the discomfort. 

Then my salvation came. 

 I  was taken in by an amazing family who is continually showing me the depths of unconditional love and what it means to be adopted in the kingdom. Its not easy. It challenges my heart daily. I realized though, that as a single woman, it was the safest place for me to be. As a person who lived her life for her next adventure, I had become very self-centered. Families don't let you be that way. True families make a place for you to function and it is a daily death to self to meet the need of all the other members. You take care of each other. You serve each other. You forgive each other. You lean on each other.It makes the discomfort settle because I have no time to sit and dwell on it. My family needs me and I need them. It gives such an honest picture of the heart of Jesus and what He desires for the body of Christ.

So what's the point? 

In the midst of the chaos of daily life, this is what I see: 

I have struggled my whole life with feeling unwanted. I never felt like I fit. I never felt like I made sense. Sometimes I still don't. I spent years living in different cities, meeting some of the most amazing people, having some of the craziest adventures...but it was all vanity to me.It never shook the ache.It was never going to. 

I thought for so long that eventually, if all the stars alligned and the moon was just so, someday all my dreams would come true and life would miraculously make sense. I would feel understood and like I belonged. But I don't. You don't either. We don't belong here. It took me 31 years to figure that out. We're not meant to get comfortable in a sinful world full of death, distruction and perversion. We are just meant to make the best of it until we get home again. We are all on a journey. "Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage." (Psalm 84) 

We are blessed in the discomfort but often focus on the wrong home. 

artwork by Scott Fairchild 

I think I'm done running now. Not to say I will never move again. I probably will. And that's okay. If I move a million times before I die, that's fine. Digging our heels in the ground and planting our life in the soil of the American dream is not the ideal for the Christian life. Planting yourself in the firm and honest belief that you belong to the family of God and let everything else grow from there....now that's wisdom. There is no one right or wrong way to make your way in this life...only right and wrong ways of taking ownership. Knowing your adoption into His household is a firm and binding contract that says you are always wanted and eternally loved. You can be anywhere in the world and nothing will ever change the address of your home. Peace can abide in every location because you are never forsaken.

I'm a nomad in this world and that's okay. The journey I am on will lead to a Kingdom that cannot be shaken. Who would ever want to leave that?

"For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens....For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight..."  2 Cor. 5 ESV

Flash Back Friday: An Open Letter to the Man I Love

In honor of Valentine's Day this week, let's flash back to one of my favorite pieces I've ever written.

Enjoy!

An Open Letter to the Man I Love

To Love Yourself Enough : a look into "Confessions of a Big Girl" by Dr. Naima Johnston-Bush

“I care about you, I like you a lot.” I said. 

“Why then?” he responded in confusion, “Why did you push your cousin and me together?”

I took a deep breath and turned to face him,

“Because I never thought that you could like me.  That you would like me after you saw her.”  The words that came out of his mouth have reverberated in my mind for years, and during the summer I turned twenty-eight came back to haunt me with a vengeance.

“It’s too late now Nema. I like your cousin.  You know before you pass judgment and push guys away you need to give yourself a chance. Tach is chill, fly in fact, but you’re special and until you stop bugging and realize this you’ll be with losers like Mike forever. Tach can take care of her own love life, she doesn’t need your help cause you feel like no one will wanna kick it with you.  But you’ll be kickin’ it alone if you only focus on how fly she is and how fly you ani’t.  You don’t know how good you are, do you?”

....I spent the remainder of my teenage years and early twenties storing Ralph’s words in my heart, involved in one unfulfilling  relationship after another.  As a grown woman I have consistently attracted men who have seen a weakness in me.  It was a weakness that I struggled for years to seriously overcome.  The weakness that drew them to me was the weakness of not loving myself enough..."


Oh sweet Lord.

Like looking in a mirror.

So many times I have found myself in this same situation. Always the girl who's funny. Always the best friend. Always the butt of the joke. But never the first love. Never the girlfriend. Never the desirable. In reading this passage from "Confessions of a Big Girl: reflections on fat, faith and femininity" by Dr.Naima Johnston-Bush, it struck a very deep chord of hurt in my life. I have, in so many relationships, pushed people away out of fear, hurt or shame. I was always on the defense, never believing anyone could ever really love me. I was always suspicious. I was always in doubt. I never felt worthy. If truth be told, I still do this.

I have a string of unkind men attempt to enter my life. I have had a few guys that I knew liked me and that I promptly pushed into the arms of someone else. The bad guys could smell it on me, smell the desperation, and wanted to wrap their grimy hands around it. The good guys wanted to love me through my brokenness. I would have none of it.

 In the end though, and through the hand of the Lord, I'm sure, they all faded away almost as soon as they emerged.I am discovering, as Dr. Naima did, my weakness. I didn't/don't love myself and I am desperately afraid of rejection.

I have spent the last few months going to counseling after realizing that tackling this weakness was too much for me to take on alone. It was time to overcome and it was OK to admit I needed help. (its okay for you to admit that too. Jesus still loves us). I remember after my first counseling session, I looked at my roommate and said, "Thank God. I am so grateful right now. I am so grateful I am not married and I don't have children. I'm not a whole person. Everything I had to offer them was broken and discolored. It was lies and self-hatred. I am so thankful. He spared them....and me. He is allowing me to heal. I will have so much more to give and it will be good and will be truth and it will be real love. I could never love them rightly because I don't love myself."

Ladies (and gents), we have wasted so much time. We have let so many beautiful things slip through our fingers. We have thrown away so many resources by feeding the demons of self-hatred and unworthiness. We have the infinite depths of love from a man who calls us worthy...who calls us lovely...who desires us...who pursues us. His name is Jesus. And though we may "know" it...do we own it? Can we forgive ourselves and embrace our individuality? Can we let go of the comparisons we have bound ourselves in and believe that the world cannot even comprehend the depths of value He puts in even one strand of hair on our head? Instead of the running tally of flaws and imperfections and focus on all the reasons someone could never really love us, let's first make the choice to love ourselves even if the only reason is because He loves us first. That's a pretty good reason.

Jesus wants to kick it with you.

You fly girl. You fly.

______________________________________________________________________
The excerpt above was from Confessions of a Big Girl,Reflections on Fat,Faith and Femininity by Dr.Naima Johnston Bush available now at www.amazon.com. 

The first two people to leave a comment will be entered into a drawing to win a free copy of the book! 

For more information about Naima visit www.facebook.com/ministryofnaima .

Skin & Bones...

She was the human definition of "skin and bones". Her hair was thin and stringy. Her skin was coated in fake orange tint and the only thing covering her joints...every bone sticking out. She stood for what seemed like a lifetime, mulling over a yogurt choice....only to fill her cart half full with probably 30 containers of the "carb smart" brand. The only thing to rival it were packages of chicken breasts, jello and leafy green vegetables in plastic bags. She never looked anyone in the eye. You could feel the loneliness emanating from every pour. I could hardly stand to walk away from her. I wanted to run up and wrap my arms around her, cry my eyes out and beg her to get help. Its not often you see someone dying right in front of you. 

 I prayed and prayed and asked the Lord what to say to her. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't say anything. I was afraid I would offend her. I was afraid she wouldn't want to hear me. I was mostly afraid because I didn't feel like I had any authority to speak into her life. I have struggled my whole life with body image issues. My issues are vastly different in the way they are manifested but they come from the same place: insecurity, self-hatred and deception. I worried she would take one look at me and say, "Well, first of all, you're body is my worst nightmare...and what the heck are you talking about? You are as messed up as I am."

So I got in my car, drove away, walked in my front door and cried.

I don't even know why I'm writing this because normally I have some neat little way to wrap it up in a life lesson and we all can move on feeling warm and snugly. I can't do that this time. I'm too angry. I'm too angry at the lies we believe in. I'm too angry at the deception of beauty that too many women are buying in to. I'm too sad that we make choices, so many times, based on comparison, envy, insecurity and pressure. Women (and men) bound up in this war of lust of the flesh and lust of the eyes...being fooled into believing that all that life holds for you is what occurs when you spend your days trying to make the world believe you either are perfect or that you don't care (even though you do so bad its killing you) that you aren't. 

So today I declare we get to have the day off.

Today, we get the day off from all of it...all the lies...all the hurt...all the pain.

You (and I) have a free pass. You are free to be who you are. No pressure. No lies. None.

You are free and loved and whole and nothing else matters in the world but that.

So take a deep breath.

Close your eyes.

Feel it. True freedom. There is no one to please...nobody else you need to be. Just you.

And guess what...you can have tomorrow off too. And the day after. And the day after that.

Just think of this as an eternal weekend.




Food for thought:

Jesus,
I thank you today for TRUE freedom. Papa, I pray that every woman (or man) that reads this would be overwhelmed by your love today. I thank you that in your presence, there is healing and fullness of joy. I thank you that when we are near you, nothing else matters. The warmth of your heart melts away the icy grip of sin and death and the trappings of this world. Papa, I thank you that you came to set us free and whom the son sets free is free indeed. I thank you that we don't need to be anyone other than who you have made us to be. You made us in your image, which is perfect and lacking nothing. We can cling to that truth and bind it on our hearts. I declare full freedom from self-hatred and condemnation to every person that reads this in Jesus' name.  Papa, be near to the broken hearted and fill them with joy. Let your joy be their strength to fight back. To not give in. To grab onto their freedom with all that they have and to bind it on their hearts. Thank you for you love and that you never stop desiring us to love ourselves the way you love us. Let us not hold back anymore. A love war has been declared.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen

Meditation Verse:
"But the Lord said to Samuel, Look not on his appearance or at the height of his stature, for I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
1Samuel 16:7


"You are altogether beautiful, my love;
    there is no flaw in you." Song of Solomon 4:7

"For you formed my inward parts;you knitted me together in my mother's womb.I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works;my soul knows it very well."
Psalm 139:13-14

An Attitude of Gratitude...

I am thankful that my new refrigerator died.

I am thankful for the red cooler I put my perishables in.

I am thankful that its been a couple of days so I needed more ice for it.

I am thankful that I decided to walk to the corner market.

I am thankful that it had stopped raining.

I am thankful that I chose that exact moment to go.

I am thankful I chose that little market instead of the grocery store a little further down.

I am thankful for Angela, who was standing in her hoodie by the front door.

I am thankful for her beautiful face full of scars, missing teeth and desperation.

I am thankful she asked me for 35 cents for a cup of ice.

I am thankful the store had a $3 minimum for credit cards.

I am thankful I got to buy her a forty of beer, a black and mild and a cup of ice.

I am thankful I got to walk her home.

I am thankful I got to hear her story.

I am thankful she told me about her son, his autism and his dreams of being a Walmart greeter.

I am thankful I got to hear about all her children.

I am thankful I got to hear about how she really wants to quite drinking..how she's cut back a lot and only drinks one forty a day instead of 12.

I am thankful I got to hear about how her parents were both alcoholics and how it killed her dad.

I am thankful that she still was praising the Lord.

I am thankful that she was so thankful for the very little that she had.

I am thankful she knew He was still with her.

I am thankful  she let me pray for her neuropathy and for freedom from alcoholism.

I am thankful that there were people walking by.

I am thankful that I started to cry.

I am thankful that she did to.

I am thankful that we shared a hug.

I am thankful that she said she loved me.

I am thankful that I meant it when I said I loved her too.

I am thankful that I had a church to invite her to, right around the corner.

I am thankful that I know people will love her well there.

I am thankful for that moment and for a very loving God.

I am thankful He reminded me how much I still had yet to be thankful for.

I am thankful.

Who You Are...

Why Not Me?

I have a very strong sense of justice.

In so many ways that's good. Just not the way I have used it.

I perpetually look at life from the eyes of fairness, which, in this world, gets you nowhere.If you just want life to be fair, do yourself a favor. Go into the bathroom. Close the door. Walk over to the mirror. Look into it. Now...repeat after me :

"Life will NEVER be fair ___________ (Insert your name here ). It never has been. It never will be. This is NOT heaven. Get over it."  Repeat about 20 times a day and maybe, just maybe, it will sink it. Its not working for me...but...heck...its worth a try.

I think I have struggled with this my whole life. Its not fair that I'm not skinny. Its not fair that I'm not prettier. Its not fair that I'm not smarter. Its not fair they like him/her better....blah blah blah. 

Its really obvious that you are struggling with fairness when you're a kid because the words "THAT'S NOT FAAAAAAIR!" come out of your mouth about every 10 minutes  (unfortunately for your poor parents). But when you're a grownup its so much harder to see that that is the real issue. It usually sounds more like this:

"I'm really happy for her....I'm just kind of sad because its not happening to me."

"I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Everyone else's life seems to be progressing...just not mine."

"I don't understand why I didn't get a raise. I work just as hard, if not harder, than they do." 

Or the sneakiest of all: 

"I'm just really mad at God because He let all this happen and I don't understand it."

Yep...sorry to burst your bubble (and mine). Its the same thing. You think...I think, "Its just not fair!"

All of this came crashing into my reality very quickly recently when my best friend/roommate got married. She's a little younger than me. We met when I was a senior in high school...13 years ago (gulp). We have been through a lot of crap together. I recently moved back to Cincinnati to live with her. Not long before I got here in March, she met a guy. A really good guy. They fell in love and got engaged in June. Just a couple of weeks ago they got married. The entire summer of living with her was like living with a tornado made of glitter and craft glue. Madness. We also fought a lot. Most of it was my fault. I was struggling. I didn't know fully why then. I thought it was because she was just a big honking jerk who didn't give a crap about me (sorry Alex.) But I get it now. It was messing with my sense of justice.

Alex's wedding. 

All I ever wanted in the world was to be married and have kids. Seriously...nothing else consumed my thoughts. Ill save you the details of that journey thus far. But here she was, in all her glory, having the nerve to get all I ever wanted (minus the kid part... for now). She was getting married, moving to the neighborhood I had my eye on for years, getting a crap ton of new loot for her house, becoming a senior leader in our church...etc.etc.etc. And here I was now, trying to figure out where I was going to live, how I was going to fill it up....broke...alone...and in the same damn place I have been for the past 30 years. And I struggled...and I got mad...and I did dumb things. My fairness meter was all out of whack. I couldn't understand why yet again (I have had a lot of friends get married recently) I had to sit by and watch everyone else get everything I always wanted. It completely sucked my joy away from me. I couldn't be happy for her or well, anyone, because I didn't understand. Why not me? Why isn't it my turn?

There are so many reasons in this life to be angry and sad. There are so many reasons to be offended. The thing is, though, to what end? I could waste my life angry at the world because it didn't hand me all my hopes and dreams on a silver platter, pat my head and say, "Here you go, old chum!" (yes, in my head the world is a British man). I can say "Why not me?" about every good thing I see happen to other people. It then always turns into "Why me?" when bad things seem to happen instead. But what if I reversed those questions?

According to the laws of Justice, half of the foundation upon which our sovereign Lord sits upon...I deserve so much worse. I sin. I sin a lot. But because Mercy occupies an equal share in this foundation, the gift Jesus has shared with me in taking that blow instead, combined with my repentant heart, I will never have to see the fullness of the true wrath of the God of justice. With that in mind, it seems pretty ridiculous to be upset when bad things happen. Besides, I was promised they would :

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33 NIV

I think I, as well as most of you, probably, get so caught of guard by the injustices of this world because I neglect a very important part of that verse : "So that in me you may have peace.....take heart! I have overcome the world." 

Wait...what?

Isn't that so kind of Him? Jesus assures us of the hard facts but then literally surrounds it with the truth that we can have peace in him and that He will rescue us when the hard part comes. So yes, that thing might not be fair, but how does it compare to the glories of eternity? He has overcome this world and promised us a better one waiting. We can have peace in him in knowing that yes, this indeed sucks, but it will all be over soon enough and perfection awaits in His arms. FOREVER. Yeah...I think whatever it is, its probably worth it knowing THAT is the prize that awaits you.

I watched a video recently of this young boy on Larry King in 2002. Mattie Stepanek was ten years old and dying of a incurable disease. Larry asked him if he ever wonders why this is happening to him. You know what he said?

"Why not me? Better me than a kid who already has stress on his life. Better me than a baby who won't understand it and who has a better chance of hurting more. So I think "why me?" and then I think "why not me?"

When he could be angry at the world for his life being cut short, he showed more courage than I could imagine. I wanna be like Mattie.

Life is filled with "unfair" things. Things that often times there are no explanation for.My sense of justice will be shaken many times before this life is over. I should be thankful that's it me going through the hard things or the "unfair" things.I know the truth and have been equipped to handle the trial, unlike the countless lost and angry people of this world whom it just makes bitter. I should be rejoicing when good things happen to our brothers and sisters (besides the fact that its Biblical..see Romans 12:15) because it means that God is still kind. He still gives good gifts to his children. Its not about fairness. I'm not being punished.You're not being punished. They are being rewarded. Our time will come for that too. And when it does, I hope I will be genuinely surprised by it. I hope I will be so overwhelmed by his kindness that I start asking, "Why me? I did nothing to deserve this but You are kind to me anyway."

Its not about fairness. Its not about our sense of justice. Its about having a truly grateful heart... no matter what occurs.

Food for thought:
What's going on in your life? What can you say "why not me?" about?


Meditation Verse:
" I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry,y whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."

Philippians 4:11-13 NIV

Here is video I think might help us all gain some perspective:

Winter...

Silence

The air stings her lungs as she breathes in

The world is a blanket of white around her

There was no warmth to be found in this covering

No shelter

No protection

But she was grateful for its concealment

It hid the flaws and imperfections

Making all around her one

A clean slate

Purity

Silence

The chill that had set in

Like a million tiny earthquakes

Shaking her body

But the warmth had left her long before then

A coldness that couldn't be undone with a coat

Or a hot glass of cider

Each footstep shattered the sheath of snow

Leaving a trail of destruction on this serenity

 She crosses the street

She glances up at the steeple of the church there

Snow dances from the sky

It falls on her cheeks

Leaving the slightest drops of moisture

No
Those are tears

Silence

Fall...

They remark at her beauty

She is glorious in color

She attracts their eyes with her bright hues

Such a contrast to the greens of summer

She is lit up like a roaring fire

But what they see as glory, is the beginning of an ending

Death becomes her

Red

The Sun no longer feeds her the way He used to

Nothing to carry her beauty

She is shutting down inside

She is falling asleep

 Maybe just to survive the winter

Maybe just to hide her shame

 Soon she will be naked and exposed

Nothing to hide behind

Nothing to distract

Just her crooked branches

Her tangled roots

Like curled fingers digging into the earth

Holding on for dear life

 It won't be long now

Eyes heavy

 Branches weary

See only her beauty

Remember her this way

Death becomes her

Its not just the wind

She's waving goodbye. 

An Open Letter to the Man I Love...

Sometimes I think about you.

The invisible "you" that exists in a world elsewhere. A world that lives in the place in my heart that still believes dreams come true and hope wins. Its small and its quiet but its still alive. Its still desires. It still sits in awe of the joy of possibility.

Sometimes I try to imagine a life where you live and breathe right next to me.

A life where you and I are one body. A life where I won't question if I'll ever see you because I'll see you. I won't question if I'll know you because I 'll know you. I won't question if you love me because I'll know you love me. I'll hear you say it aloud. I'll hear you whisper it in my ear.

I'll own it. That love will belong to me. And mine will belong to you. It does.

Sometimes I think about all the children we will bring to Truth.

 I think about the songs we will sing with them. I think about the triumphs and the struggles. I think about their faces. I think about their names. I think about how much they will look like you. I think about how good a mother I will be.

Sometimes I think about home.

I think about what that means and what it looks like to live there...with you. I think about the sounds. I think about the way the floor would feel beneath my bare feet. I think about the colors. I think about the textures. I think about the feasts we will have at our table.

But most of all, sometimes I wonder who this letter is for.

A man who lives and breathes in this world.

A man who lives and breathes in the next.

Maybe both.

Maybe One.

If the first, it will be my pleasure to finally know you.

If the last, come Lord.

Miss Francie...



I wish I had a photograph of her.Her face had 80 years more of wrinkles than features and her eyes were the most brilliant blue. I imagine at one time, Miss Francie was a beauty. Her heart was still a knock-out. She was the kind of woman who had probably lived in the same place her whole life and new everyone in town. She was beloved at Frisch's Big Boy. Everyone knew her name. She allowed me to pass in front of her. She told me my eyes were beautiful.


I told her her eyes were equally so. She told me she bet I was the kind of person that made everyone feel good about themselves. I told her I would try. She told me what it was all about. Life was about loving people and expecting nothing in return. You just loved. Simple and true. She was the most precious human I ever met. And I needed her words. I had come there to have lunch. I feasted on the widow's wisdom. Her timing was fortuitous. I had just come to the realization how bad I was at loving.There, in that dingy little diner. I had the revelation that my reasoning for others to have the wisdom of heaven, the revelation of Christ, the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit was entirely from selfish gain. I wanted them to love Jesus so they could love me better. It had very little to do with their place in eternity. Even less to do with the joy of salvation. It was almost entirely about the fact that they would love and understand me so much better if they just loved Jesus. How selfish. How disgusting. How humbling a thought. Mis Francie got it. She understood the beauty of unselfish love. She understood that you just love. That's your only job. It requires no participation. She understood that that's how you win your neighbor...shape a culture...change the world. Love. Plain and simple. I was so ashamed. And so inspired. I want to be Miss Francie when I grow up.

 

 

The Way of Love / / 1 Corinthians 13: 1-13 ESV

 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

 

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant  or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

 

 As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.  For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.  So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

 



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Embrace Me...

I was going to write certain thoughts....about my transition from Nashville to Norwood. But things change. And so have my thoughts. This was a big change for me. I felt different. I breathed it different. I knew this was the big one....that moment when the course of your life is changed forever and there is no going back. This change has forged many things. The greatest birthed from its belly has been conversation....conversations I was long overdue having. Conversations with myself...the Lord...the church. I find myself with a renewed mind and a commissioned spirit. I feel led. That is a powerful thing. I feel believed in and supported and released to learn and train and begin the process of living my dreams out loud. I am so encouraged by a Papa who is excited to see them fulfilled. He wants me to know my purpose and walk in it. And my purpose is Him. He is my reason for being. He is what my heart longs for. He is the gift I want to give to you...to them...to the countless number of lost, broken and weary who are just looking for a little hope to cling to. How sweet it is, Father. How sweet it is.

 I have found myself so often in life desperate for the future. Saddened that my life and my dream would never collide. I still wrestle with this. But I need not. I want...I must accept the moment and really live it. The future will come without me standing there, waiting for it. There are things to be done. I will pray. I will worship. I will love my neighbor. I will honor my Father. I will live. I will not sit idly by and let the whole world move while I wallow in my doubts. I must be useful or I may not as well be at all. Remind me of this when I'm sad. Tell me these words when I'm lonely. Hold me to the hope that I must cling to. Offer to me the idea that my life is not a joke. That I was made for love. He told me Cincinnati would embrace me. I will embrace it right back.

 

This is my city and I am finally home.

Moving On...

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I'm moving. Again. For like, the billionth time. I hate moving. The actual act of moving, not so much the change of scenery. Its time. I have so much I need to put behind me and sadly, Nashville is one of them. I came here a year ago scared, confused and desperate with a million dreams in my head of how it was going to all play out. Yep...not so much. It was nothing that I expected it to be. And now its time to go. And I'm so scared. I'm scared because I know there is no turning back for me. If this doesn't play out well, then it just doesn't and I have nowhere to run. I can't run back home to Mom and Dad anymore....it doesn't work. I can't just pick up and take off either...I'm getting too old for that crap.I just have to make it work somehow....and that is so scary. I've have taken on so many new adventures lately for the sake of change. Moving to back to Cincinnati being one of those. I also have explored and failed at online dating. I met a guy...thought there was potential and then proceeded to get my heart broken...again.It sucked.But I did it. I put myself out there and tried something new. And now its time to move on. I hope I find that missing piece in Cinci. I might. I might not. But I hope. I am thankful though because I see the city as a warm embrace waiting for me. I soft place to land where hopefully I can leave some of the pain and disappointment that Nashville has forged behind. I pray that this new venture will prove fruitful and that I will begin to see myself taking steps forward instead of continually backward. I am thankful though for my time spent here. I learned a lot. Cried a lot more. Made some amazing friends. Found a purpose. That is reason enough to say it was worth it all. I know that there is a plan. Well, I know that God has one but I have no idea what it is. He is generous. He is kind. So I know whatever it is, though I may not always like it, there is reason and wisdom to be found in it. I will press on. I will accept this course. I will do my best. Nothing is be perfect but I know it will be better. Adventure awaits. So as Elton John once said, goodbye yellow brick road. I'm moving on.

Somewhere in There...

Its been kind of a rough week for me so far. I have a lot weighing on my heart, am making some hard decisions and having to admit, despite all my best efforts, that I cannot, by any means, rely on myself any longer. I simply can't be trusted.

This is incredibly hard for me.

I have always been a fiercely independent person. I have been very used to rely on my stubborn determination and brute strength to carry on in life. I didn't really want it that way....it just sort of became my state of being. I desired greatly to have someone, anyone relieve the burden....but honestly, when it comes down to it, I really have no idea how to let them. I let people help so much but then arrogance kicks in and after awhile I respond with an irritated, "Oh just let me do it!"

This includes the Lord. I'm sure he loves that.


But if there's anything the last year of my life has taught me, its that relying on myself solely is no longer an option. Not even a little one. I'm also learning how to live with making mistakes and admitting defeat....also incredibly hard for me. I haven't included the Lord in my decisions a lot lately and its really hard to join the ranks once you've defected. I just lost hope. Hope that He really loves me no matter what. Hope that there is more to life than the obstacles and shortcomings. Hope that he does, in fact, have a plan that this is all playing in to. Hope that it is safe to trust Him.


My friend Seth said something pretty wise to me about hope the other day. He said that I shouldn't think of it as an entity separate from myself. Its always there. Which is truth. Because the Holy Spirit lives in me. We are one. He is hope. So therefore, hope is a part of me.

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 I sat in prayer, real, honest prayer today and I just let it all fall.

I said so many things but the thing that kept coming to me were Seth's words. I kept saying to the Lord, " Somewhere in there (my heart), I know your wisdom is waiting....somewhere in there is hope....somewhere in there I really do believe you love me...somewhere in there I know I can trust you...somewhere in there....somewhere in there.....somewhere in there...."

Somewhere in there....in my heart...in your heart....in His heart....everything you ever needed to believe is already waiting....every truth...every lie....every emotion...every wise word spoken. These things all float around in there, held in depths of your secret heart...the one only you and the Lord can know.

Its like a warehouse. He takes inventory and makes spreadsheets. He knows every single document and its contents. He files away the things that are worth holding on to. He takes all the unwanted documents and lays them on a table, holds them up one by one. This is what needs to be thrown out...destroyed....denied...removed. Then there are the few that remain under review. They're almost ready to be filed but they still need some work. Somewhere in there...

I have to chose to go to work. So do you. I have to decided what to do with those things, but He has to show me how and which ones. He's the supervisor. I'm just his favorite employee.

From somewhere in there, the Truth must and will come out. Somewhere in there, there is a purpose and this wisdom for it. Somewhere in there, you already know you are loved. So do I. Somewhere in there, we already know we are wanted. Somewhere in there, we already know Him well.

He was there from the beginning. He will be there in the end. Somewhere in the middle we will find Him if we seek Him. Somewhere in there He's always been waiting....

New Eyes/New Ears/New Years...

You crown the year with bountiful harvest....even the hard pathways overflow with abundance.

Psalm 65:11 NLT

So let's just say I was beyond ready to kick 2012 out the door. It had become that annoying house guest that was hanging around just a little too long. I had such high hopes for it. It started out so promising. I moved. I got a grand new job. I started this blog. I helped a few people. I made some new friends. But somewhere along the way, I got real lost and stayed there. I was like a sad little kid at Walmart who's lost sight of their parent and is wandering around yelling "Mommy?". And I neglected you. I'm sorry. I guess I was afraid I would do more harm then good when my heart was all cloudy. But I'm making a comeback. 2013 is actually beginning to look promising. I'm keeping my expectations low and my hopes high. Anything can happen. This could possibly the greatest year of my life. But I guess hat's really up to me. Its all in how I choose to see it. 2012 was so hard. One of the hardest years yet. I know in my heart it was hard for a reason....so I could appreciate all the goodness about to come. You don't appreciate the sunlight as much until you've spent months in a monsoon. I promise I will talk to you more, friend. No matter what, I'll tell you things. Things I've never told a soul. Together, we will spend this year walking the floor of God's heart and find the perfect place to rest. Together, we will welcome this new year with eager expectation that we will fail often and shine all the brighter for it. Together, we will ask questions and seek truth. I want to engage with 2013 not as just another year, but as another mile added to this road He has paved before us. Lets embrace this year with all the zeal we posses and all the trust we can muster. Let's see what happens when we stop plotting and start living our stories out loud. I'm posting below the lyrics to New Year's by Tim Coons. I want to see them as sort of a prayer. As I usher in 2014, I want to say this was the map I followed to get there....

"This has been a year of falling in love

And I'm taken by your story

Turning through the pages so tightly bound

Each one spun with wonder for me....

This has been a year of opening my eyes

I have been waking up to skylines

And you sing revolution wherever you come

And your song is water to wine...

How deep, how far, how high?

How vast, how broad, how wide?

Across my greatest divide

I know your love will drive...

I know the moment you arrive..."

The Long Road/ Wait...I'm thirty?

"As it turns out, every map has an artificial edge prescribed by those who define its scope;
who draw the thick black line, however arbitrarily,around the edges of the world. But here, at the edge of the map,where it tells me the road should end by way of a thick black line, I can see quite clearly that it doesn’t. And to be sure, I’ve taken the step;I am proof that the road keeps going..."

                                                                     Cheryl Lawrie

 When you're 10, turning 16 seems like its never going to happen.When you're 16, turning 18, though slightly terrifying (but mostly liberating), seems to take an eternity.Then there is 21. Let's not talk about 21. Most of you probably don't remember it anyway. But somewhere between 20 and 30, its like God presses the fast forward button and BAM! There you are.10 whole years come at you like a whirlwind and by the time your 30th hits, you're not sure what the hell just happened to you but you're frigging exhausted. And as of tomorrow, that's where I am.30. Ho-ly-crap. I'm 30. What?

 

Its funny to me about birthdays. What is traditionally thought of as a day to celebrate one's life, I find we often use a mile marker in our lives. 16 = car+freedom. 18= independence from parents. 21....well..we discussed this earlier. 25 is your mid-20's. I could go on....but I won't. When you're younger, you build these up as defining moments in your life, which is great....until you pass them by and head towards the one that most young people dread......30. Turning 30 is built up as a sort of terrible ending to an awesome story. "Well, you're 30 now...time to stop having fun."

 

I always dreaded turning 30. I had so many plans, so many things I wanted to accomplish before then. When I was 18, I was sure that by this time I would be married to a hunk and have a whole bunch of kids. I was going to be living in an awesome house on several acres and organic farm. I was going to have written several books and home school my kids. I was going to have lost a bunch of weight and teach my techniques to other women.So basically, I was going to use my twenties to slowly morph into 1950's housewife meets super woman. And every year that passed, I was so upset because I wasn't going to meet my deadline. I had until I was 30 and that was it. If it didn't happen by then, it never would. Imagine my depression when my 29th birthday hit and I wasn't even close. That's it....my life is over. So long dreams.

 

About a month ago, I saw the poem featured above painted on a wall at music venue. I just sat there, mulling it over. I had been questioning my life and the direction it had been taking for awhile. As I read the words, I thought about how life is like a continuous road. All these little milestones, these little pit stops ( turning 18, turning 30) are just that; momentary hesitations on a continuing journey. We treat these moments as if they're endings...thick black lines that define the edge of our map. We reach them and then, that's it, its all over .This isn't so. We are in the middle of an ongoing journey that began before we were ever created and will continue long after we're gone. There are no limits to what we must accomplish and when. Its what you make of a whole life....not just a piece of it.

 

30 isn't an end for me. Its a hesitation. I have so much road ahead of me. Screw the black lines.

The Business of Being Alone...

I spent the past few weeks visiting my previous home in Kentucky. It was the most delightful couple of weeks. What was so amazing to me was that, in just a few short days, I found myself  feeling so much lighter and restored. I would find myself, quite often, in the middle of these beautiful and inspiring conversations. We talked about the Lord, politics, holiness, great beer....everything....we left no topic untouched. Well, we didn't really talk about toddler pageants. Best to just let that hot topic stay on the shelf....don't want to offend anyone. But it wasn't until about a week into my visit that I realized just how starved I had been for these moments. When I came to Nashville, I knew the Lord was letting me walk into the wilderness and I went willingly. I suppose, thought, that I hoped against hope that community, like what I had just left, would eventually rise up from somewhere and that I wouldn't have to spend the entire duration of my time here alone. Alas...this was not the case. Besides my family, I have exactly one friend who actively participates in my life. She is also my boss, but I would like to think we'd be friends anyway. She has a family and a social life of her own so naturally, she is not sewn to my hip and available to be at my beck and call every waking moment of the day. The majority of my free time is spent alone. This is quickly revealing itself to be a dangerous happening. I get absolutely starved for affection,conversation and depth. I ache for someone to remind me of the goodness of God. I crave it. I devour it when its before me. I don't feel I function well without other people around me. Here's the thing I think most Christians...and hell...non-Christians for the matter, need to wrap their heads around. We need each other. Community is vital. Love is the glue. The Bible talks about how the enemy is looking for someone to end:

^"6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, ⁷ casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. ⁸ Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. ¹⁰ And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ¹¹ To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen" 1 Peter 5:6-11 ESV


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God knew the importance of companionship. That's what Eve was sent for. And exactly why the
enemy plotted to destroy her. He's a predator, looking to corner us when we are alone and weak and tear the flesh from our bones. We are all under attack ( see the verse above). If we ban together, surround one another, protect each other...he has no room to single out the weaklings because we have the strength and power of unity to defend us.

"Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
 For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
But how can one be warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Ecc. 4:9-10
 
I see so much division happening right now. Sadly enough, I feel a lot of this lately has had to do with politics and ego.It makes me sad that we cannot have conversations without starting wars. I see the church moving further and further from each other because of this. And from non-believers as well. But here's the thing church: we need them too. We need them to know the love we have found so that the darkness won't win.Love is not conditional...its not something we dish out to those who are like-minded. Its a gift to be freely given. We cannot allow our opinions and politics to bring a sword between us.We can differ in these things and still love each other. If you disagree with your brother based on convictions the Lord has established in your heart, than earnestly pray for him and let your life be a witness to your convictions. Live what you believe. It speaks so much louder than words. The Word of God,folks, in its ENTIRETY.That is our conviction. We cannot forsake one part of it to prove our point. Love is first. If you need to speak out, do it in love, not because you want to be right and feed your ego. Say it because its life to someone. But don't let your anger be unrighteous and destroy what you've built. We need each other. We need to stand together. We need to lift each other up. We need to live life together...raise our kids together...share meals together. We need to act like family. The body of Christ is not furthered by bullying but by an invitation to feel loved and wanted. We cannot survive as a singular being. We weren't meant to. Accountability and camaraderie are vital to the spirit. We need a witness to our lives. We need someone to bear witness to its fruit and send a cautionary word when its lacking. Friends....we need friends. We need Jesus and each other. End of story.

"Therefore, brothers,since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, ²⁰ by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, ²¹ and since we have a great priest over the house of God, ²² let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. ²³ Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. ²⁴ And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, ²⁵ not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. ²⁶ For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, ²⁷ but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. ²⁸ Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. ²⁹ How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? ³⁰ For we know him who said, “Vengeance is mine; I will repay.” And again, “The Lord will judge his people.” ³¹ It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.³² But recall the former days when, after you were enlightened, you endured a hard struggle with sufferings, ³³ sometimes being publicly exposed to reproach and affliction, and sometimes being partners with those so treated. ³⁴ For you had compassion on those in prison, and you joyfully accepted the plundering of your property, since you knew that you yourselves had a better possession and an abiding one. ³⁵ Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. ³⁶ For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

³⁷ For,

“Yet a little while,
and the coming one will come and will not delay;
³⁸ but my righteous one shall live by faith,
and if he shrinks back,
my soul has no pleasure in him.”

³⁹ But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls."  Hebrews 10: 19-39 ESV